I'm sorry that you have these same experiences. I think that my sister would probably relate to you even more, although I did grow up with this too. Sometimes I question whether I'm better off or not as I'm just dependent on someone else, and leaving my marriage would feel like a betrayal. But in some ways maybe leaving home did/would too. My sister helps to care for a younger, disabled sister who also could experience more of life than she does, but doesn't have the ability to be independent. I'm not sure how they work it out, but the caregiving could be considered part of her rent. And she gets to do most of the things that she really wants to do. It's not entirely a bad deal, although I would like to rescue her (and you) if I could. Sometimes it's hard not to be codependent. Like mom. Rescuing isn't the way. I was rescued by my husband, and I'm still trapped. I don't want to play either role.

I think you are on the right track with knowing you need to spread your wings, find out what you like/dislike, who you are, what you will become, what interests motivate you enough to live for, find and use your voice, etc. And I hope that you do all of that. I know that you are the only one who can do it. And I want the same things for myself too.

I'm glad you have entered this conversation. I have felt that you were a kindred soul before, and now I know why. You are helping me to see what it might have been like if I hadn't 'escaped' the way that I did, and what it might be like for my sister. You are also validating the experience of a type of parenting that I'm not sure more than a very few people even recognize, and that almost nobody recognizes as abuse. But it is.

The mama bird knows that her job is to push the babies out of the nest when they are ready, after teaching them how to fly and live on their own. Parents that don't recognize that look like martyrs to the outside world sometimes, but in reality they are soul crushers. Often with the best intentions. Or not.