yes... i think there is something there - it does feel like a betrayal to leave home, leave mom who is such a good martyr, and so good at being wounded.... like to live a full life i have to kill her (metaphorically speaking of course - leaving her would break her heart and spirit)... yet she is breaking mine.
I am just realizing (through this conversation) that I was raised and taught to be "rescued" by both parents - and also to constantly rescue them. that is the relattionship - in all it's forms; emotional, financial... i needed to know that. I do not want to play this role. I never did, but I never knew what else to be.
yes - there must be a way for us both!!!! I just had this conversation with my dr today who has also had the same type of mom. and yet she made it! She is healthy, successful, is the only thing IRL supporting me up (gave me to my T), is the driving force in my getting better (and she is quite a force to be reconed with). I cried through my whole visit today - talking about all these things. She said she wishes she could wisk me out of here, knowing that this is the major force that is "driving you mad" as she put it. Fate rather interveined in her "Escape" from her mom. I"ve been wishing for such fate for as long as i can remember... clearly i am going to have to make my own fate - and it looks like that is going to be yet another emotional wound to her. I'm just not sure how when I don't have the financial support. But that makes me sound like my dad who stayed in a "bad marriage" (of which he was definately half the problem) for 19 years until finances worked for him. yitch! that doesn't feel good either. I may have to be both mamma bird and lil bird at the same time - push myself before I feel ready, and no going back (scary!)....

yes, exactly (((((((((rapunzel))))))))))

wow was this hard to read - and is still sinking in. but like i was saying, my dr vaildated that too. she didn't term it that, but it was all there; in her demeanor, eyes, voice, wish for me to be away from here, as was her own memory of having to get away.
yes - that is what it feels like - my soul being crushed a little more each day and not remembering why i was fighting.... thinking maybe i AM the one who is wrong - the bad daughter of the mother who does SO much for me... blah blah blah. I KNOW what the reality is. But when I stand up (which I did tonight after my dr apnt) mom threw it right back at me with the voice and attitude that says I am the one being unfair, i am the loser, the mean one, I am the ungrateful one. i was really down again and feeling like dirt until reading your post which reaffirmed that it isn't just all in my head, i am not the only one who has lived this, my dr apnt was not just a fabricated dream where someone understood and confirmed that mom just needs a one way ticket to a deserted island.

I don't know about you, but I feel like I totally need outside help - someone to be here by my side (not rescuing me - being rescued puts the rescuee in the debt of the other), reminding me my CHOICE to walk away, and my skills, my power, where i am going and why. Does that make sense? otherwise, it is all just.... a smoke screen. I know that T does this. but that one hour of the week just doesn't cut it. this is too big. I've been mired here too many years. like those souls on the Flying Dutchman (from Pirates of the Caribbean II) who become so incrusted with sealife from Davie Jones, they become part of the ship.