i'm sorry to bump this up again. i haven't had a chance to reply to everyone, but i'm also not sure if i should just let this thread slide into PC-oblivion. writing things out helps me think more clearly, i dont need any replies. i am torn between wanting help, but also not wanting to burden anyone with having to respond. i know i'm not forcing anyone, of course, but just... i know i dont really deserve it
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Originally Posted by imapatient
What other people think and will think of you when they know the whole story is 100% opposite of what you imagine.
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impy, i am asking you because i know you will not think i'm being nit-picky but genuinely being confused. you said when people know the "whole" story, then they will not think those things about me. pdoc doesn't know the whole story. does that mean he thinks those things about me now? is the only way to get him to stop thinking bad things about me tell him all the bad stuff? how will that help if he knows everything? won't it make him even more disgusted in me? and also... am i being manipulative then, if i tell him everything? i'd only be telling him to make (in the hopes of making him) stop thinking bad things about me.
you're the one person who's not exempt from replying
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Originally Posted by Tumnus
I know it's incredibly hard to put all of this stuff out there for us to see, but we're completely supportive. Those of us who have read and who will read will be an extended community to you. If you regret writing, know that we don't regret you sharing your heart. You are such a kind person that it makes it easy to be there for you, even when we don't have anything helpful to say (like me right now).
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far, far from unhelpful. i read this soon after you posted it, and it has stayed with me. "If you regret writing, know that we don't regret you sharing your heart." i hope this is true of at least a few people here, but it means a lot even if it's only true of you. that you dont regret me sharing. ok. crying now. time to switch thoughts and go back into unemotional-deli mode. (thank you tumnus
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Originally Posted by sunrise
Deli, you have spoken of your pdoc before as not being trained to handle these things and how you have to be very professional with him. So it sounds like you don't really do therapy with him? Or do you? And if you do, how can you exclude such key topics? Are you really sure your pdoc is not able to deal with deep stuff like CSA and trauma?
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i do "therapy" with pdoc, i guess. kind of like... i know most ppl just go to pdocs, get their meds adjusted, and only go back when they need a check up. but i see pdoc for an hour every week, and he provides a lot of support. i dont know if he does talk therapy in the sense that a psychologist does (empirically based treatment), but more just like... he is someone who cares about me a lot. he wants to listen. he hasn't rejected me. it is the kind of support i guess one could find from a (very understanding) friend - something that makes you feel not so alone, and as if someone is with you, and sometimes some clear insight - but... i don't know if it is "therapy" in the sense that we are working towards clear goals, or that there is any idea of how to move along.
i think pdoc can handle/deal with deep stuff like csa/trauma, but i dont think he knows how to "treat" it(?). like... when i started with him, he was still a newbie pdoc who only specialised in drug/alcohol counselling (only pdoc available within the week that i needed one, so he's who i got
). he has now expanded it to ptsd and stuff, and i know he has helped others with this.... but i dont know. i'm someone who's so goal focussed, and needs the steps planned out and stuff, and i don't know where we're going and how to get there.
maybe the problem is that i haven't said "i want to work on this", and also he hasn't pressured me to do so. i am sure if i came to him with all these thoughts he would be brilliant. but that would involve doing the scary stuff, and i like having pdoc as my safe person.
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Also, you have said before that you go to Austin-T to work on uni-related things. So you have a pdoc for non-trauma stuff, and a T for uni-stuff. But who is helping you with the stuff that is so important???? Why can't you work with Austin T on the CSA? If you raised the topic, would he say to you "no, deli, we are only allowed to work on uni"? Why can't you have a mental health provider who will help you with whatever you need help with?? And are you sure your current mental health providers cannot do this?
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no one helps me with the trauma stuff, i guess. i stuff it down and only let it come out sometimes. this thread probably represents the furthest i have ever gone in processing it and sharing with someone else.
i like having Austin-T only work on uni stuff with me. it is the one big thing i want to achieve right now, and i dont want to let my other issues get in the way of me focussing on that. my old-T didnt want to focus on uni stuff because he thought the trauma stuff was more important, so we never attended to uni stuff and i kept withdrawing from school. and then he didnt believe me on the trauma stuff, either, so the whole enterprise was a bit of a waste.
maybe when uni is more under control Austin-T would be good to talk to about this stuff. but im still trying to build up basic trust with him. even something as neutral as uni - i find it difficult to talk about with him (or anyone). i dont like ppl knowing when i am failing, but at the same time i'm just as ashamed when i go well. so everything gets kept inside. i think being able to talk to Austin-T about trauma is a long way off yet
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dear tree 
- i am not quoting your post should you ever want to go back and edit. but thank you for sharing and making my actions more understandable and not so... alone
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Originally Posted by Fool Zero
Something else I don't get is:
Suppose, for the sake of argument, you really were a *****. Why, then, would that bring your value down -- instead of bringing the value of *****s the world over up?
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'*****' is probably too good a word for me. i actually have a lot of respect for the (many) people i know who do that for a living. they do it for good reasons, like needing money. deli, on the other hand, did it because she wanted a hug.
i'll go put it to them the next time i see them: do you think someone who has sex with her father so she can pretend she is getting a hug is going to add value to the *****dom kingdom? taking applications?
