ooops-------

..........MAY TRIGGER........

I am in a real difficult place right now. Don't know if it is under PTSD, but I trust ppl here so I will go with it.

Saw my back x-rays and all is worse than originally thought. degenerative disk and arthritis disease....progressive. L-5 is nearly bone on bone with my sacrum and large arthritis spurs with compression on the nerve....
very limited activity for now. frustration level is out the roof, muck and darkness are closing in, anger at family dr is rising, and going between determined to NOT let this get to me and do what I can to strengthen muscles and fight this and "what the hell, it's only going to get worse so why even try----which is my father's attitude and my sister's.

Raised without good role models for working thru things physical or emotional or problem solving...father has had back problems forever and he just quit doing. Got very fat, slothful and complained and now is so immobile that he is like a beached whale.
my sister followed his lead when she started having physical problems. Didn't work to correct, or learn how to deal with things and now is very fat, slothful, demanding of her H and is pretty immobile.

Don't want to go that route!! Yet, right now the pain is reminding me that any little thing I do will cause major discomfort and near immobility.

I hurt!! I am frustrated!!! I have a full garden that needs to be weeded and cared for---flower gardens that are choked by weeds----much needs to be done and I can't.
H is wonderful, he is helping but works 40-50 hrs/wk. He is willing to do anything to make life easier for me........
There's where the guilt comes in
I have been nothing but a burden to him for near all our 37 yrs of marriage. Financial, emotional, physical.......
I CAN"T DO THIS ANY MORE

T says to focus on what I CAN do and perhaps this is a time to explore NEW interests.......sounds ok but I said " right now i am in a crappy place and can't even think of that"

I'm exhausted, in pain, frustrated, angry, and trying to be "fine" to everyone including H. (who knows me too well).
I'm losing my grip
I'm losing my grounding
I'm wanting some relief.

I'm whinning and know that some who read this are in much worse shape than i am and living every day and getting thru.
my physical stuff isn't any worse that someone else and it happens to ppl every day...so i need to shut up now and want to delete this whole thing because it is one big pity party.

no need to read or reply.
i'll go back to class in sit in the broom closet.