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Aug 07, 2009, 10:28 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 98
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Originally Posted by Catherine2
My thanks to everyone for taking the time to post, read, and offer support.
I've learned so much from everyone...
Class is out
In Peace,
Catherine
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Class out?
Hey... I just got here!
What the heck?
I already wrote this so I'm posting it anyway.
OK so... I wrote a post early Sunday. Then a little later I took my wife to the grocery store. I was stopping to drop her off at the front door of the store when... Wham, I hit something, what the****. Couldn't see anything, there was nothing there to hit... except for my own front wheel.. ARGH. Broken ball joint. At least I was almost stopped, the damage wasn't to bad..
So I spent the last couple days fixing my crumpled fender and replacing both ball joints, and then I get back here, and in the mean time 40+ new posts, yikes.
I know a little bit about about some of you, and apart from Phoenix7, I don't know if any of you know anything about me. Just so you know a bit about me.
Introduction "The whole picture” Well... the beginning at least.
The reason for posting the picture was to show you my lost dream “now found”. My life was great. I had a better understanding of friendship than any other kid that I knew. Three and a half years after that picture was taken I witnessed a robbery at my local drug store. There was a real gun and it was pointed at a lady that I really cared about. I only recalled the moment about a month and half ago, that's forty six years later. I could remember the robbery in detail, except for the split second that I looked at her. The look on her face went beyond description, it went beyond reason. Her eyes: She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, she wanted help, she wanted to run away, all at the same time, but she looked like she was frozen in time. She was caught in the moment, and there was nothing I could do. When I turned to run from the doorway it was like falling through the looking glass into the land of terror,... just like that,... beyond understanding. It cut through me like a knife. That was it, my trauma, there were so many other things that stacked up on top, but that was when it happened. A second of my life, and it all changed.
Every so often my mother would be looking through old photographs and she'd look at that picture and smile and she'd ask me: What ever happened to my little Paladin? I'd just shrug, I couldn't look at it, I couldn't think about it, it hurt too much.
I started remembering who I really am about two and a half years ago, when I had my day of reckoning. “That's a story for another day”.
When I went looking for an avatar, I wanted something that represented the real me. The first thing that popped into my mind was that picture. So I dug it out and scanned it and fixed it, “It was not happy” and there you have the whole picture and with it, a little bit about me.
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For me, but also for everyone who takes one more trembling step, cautious with our hopes, wary it's going to be an added disappointment...and we do it anyway
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Um, I'm not like that anymore. 
See,... I don't really fit into the class. Maybe I could be a guest speaker or something like that.
I'm beyond trembling steps and disappointment in myself. I've learned to grow again.
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We will be criticized if we don't get over it soon enough, do it our way (non-compliant), etc..
add in your own experiences
perhaps we end up battling outside sources nearly as much as we struggle with internal things.
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Outside sources who really don't understand are stuck thinking inside the box.
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I don't want to buy into the You Be Too Slow
Quickly take the blame; Using The Bat
Realizing too late that I fell for old ways
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“Thinking outside the box”
Take that bat and beat the crap out of the box. Actually any old cardboard box will do, just fill it with old newspaper. Sure beats punching walls.
Like I said before: Send the critics my way, I have a way with words.
Has the class been reading Ally's Dream? I think it should be a required course.
Phoenix7 wrote:
“At the beginning of the thread”
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looking in the mirror - something she did not often do because she never liked what she saw - she saw the tired eyes of a survivor, a fighter, someone who would see this through and not give in
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“In her last entry”
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Ally looked in the mirror and didn't like what she saw. There was no light in her eyes - no smile breached her lips - she looked as she felt - cold and hard like tempered steel.
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I remember feeling like that, well more like scared rusted tin. 
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Ally turned away from the mirror - she would not look again - she knew who she was - and who she had always been - and there was no changing that - no going back and no saving the little girl inside.
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Such a change in perspective. I'm thinking that maybe it was the little girl looking in the mirror this time.
Final verse “Rush” War Paint. Girls and boy's together, Paint the mirror black, (The mirror always lies).
Our true reflections can only be seen in the eyes of others.
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