Couldn't stop crying in T today. I felt like an awful client. I couldn't even do T well.

i only got into one masters program. I really want to do this, but if I can't then what is the point. Now it seems like it is all going to fall apart. If I don't do this then all the time and energy I've put into this is pointless. If I don't do this then I have no point to my life.

The only thing right now that is causing you trouble is finding a job? Are you planning on continuing to look?

I know part of this is my need to be able to control the outcome. When I was a kid all I could do was predict all the possible outcomes so I could control what I could. Then I could believe that I could control the insanity I grew up with. I need to know all of the possible outcomes so that I can control them. I feel all out of control. I can't control all the possible outcomes because there are too many and they are too complex. I want to be able to know that things are going to be okay.

Good insight, I remember this. Keep working to move forward no matter what.

If I don't succeed then what is the point of this? Why do I work so hard just to have this fall apart?

There are a lot of points to it. It doesn't all come crashing down. Roadblocks appear. Who said life was supposed to be easy???? When roadblocks pop up look for ways around them. Don't give up and say "failure".

It is enough of a problem that I'm always compared to my older brother who already has a PhD in a hard science and so I can't compete with that. My dad told me that if I didn't stay in school after undergrad then I would never go back (ie I'd be a big failure, because nothing I ever do is good enough). I'm never good enough for everyone no matter how hard I try.

This sounds like a major thing here. So you always got this message growing up? Another interpretation could be that your dad just wants you to keep going. This doesn't have to be interpreted as "you are a failure".

right now my emotions are winning over anything logical. 'cus I'm working on getting that intellectual part puffed up to convince my emotional part. It's just a battle I don't seem to be winning right now.

I didn't get my emotions straight by my intellect winning over. I got my emotions straight by allowing them out, examining them, just letting them be. Fighting them never works.