Quote:
Originally Posted by sunrise
marjan, it sounds like you have tried to set some boundaries with your mother by telling her that she can't talk that way with you, etc. But when she ignores the boundaries you have tried to set, you do nothing. There are no consequences for her to ignoring your boundaries, so she does what she wants. If she breaks your rules, she has to have a negative consequence, or else she will continue to walk all over you and make your life hell. Try to make very clear to her the boundary you are setting and the consequence for not following it. Perhaps just start with one thing (e.g. she is not allowed to badmouth your sister to you). If she starts doing it, interrupt her immediately and remind her about the boundary. If she persists, carry out the consequence (hang up the phone, show her out the door--whatever you have established). Be firm with her, marjan, or you will see no improvement at all in her behavior.
If you want to see any progress, you can't let things like "I feel guilty" stand in your way. Do you want to be held hostage by her abusive behavior forever? Which is stronger in you, the desire to not be abused by her or your wish to not feel guilty? When you are ready to chose the first one, then you will be ready to set consequences. If your desire to avoid guilt or a desire to be "respectful" (respectful = tolerating abuse?) is holding you back, I think you are going to be stuck with her mistreatment for a long time.
Don't let your mother interfere with your relationship with your father. After your mother has left, invite your father to come for a visit. Your father doesn't want to cross paths with your mother anyway, so why can't he come?
TS
Do you believe that? Sounds kind of self-serving to me. You're an adult now--can you see through this?
Sounds like you have identified your own "magical thinking"--good job. Remember, you are an adult now, you don't have to continue to subscribe to your mother's warped thinking. Don't you think that she told you those fairy tales in part to have control over you?
She does that because you let her. If there are no consequences to her actions, she is not going to suddenly change on her own one day.
Marjan, I hope you can find the teeth to start holding your mother accountable for her actions. If you need a therapist's help to be able to do this, then go for it! I have found having a therapist in my life has been so helpful in many ways, including learning to set and maintain boundaries.
Don't give up. You deserve a life free of abuse.
|
Thanks sunrise for taking time and replying to my thread....
well...yesterday, she called me and she wanted me to go and take her out shopping...I did...she was going to talk about my sister again...and I told her, this is her life and they are adult and they know what to do....and I don't like to talk about them really....then she didn't talk about them at all...I learnt that if she gossibs and I don't really reply, then she will stop it....
we went for shopping and then I took her to a good restaurant and I paid....I feel compasion towards her, and feel bad that she's so misrable and making everybody against of herself and she doesn't even realize it...
She's leaving next Sunday....and this weekend, I'm taking her out again...I'm going to pick her up tonight and spend the weekend with her....I hope lord helps me to not having any kind of problems with her....I try my best....
She likes to shop and I'm taking her, although I hate shopping...besides, she always get disappeared and I have to go around and find her...she never tells you where she goes...too much!
Anyway....my dad called me the other day and I talked to him and I told him all the stuff...He said that's not a new story and he said he knows all about her and how she turns people against of herself....My dad said he will scheduale a trip here in begining of October and will stay with me....
I feel more comfortable now that I'm taking some actions and not letting people specially my mom to rule on me....
I didn't go to my dance class either, because I didn't want to see my ex-boyfriend....I found out, I'm better off without him completely....he's a total loser and I don't need him....I need to move on and for me to move on, I need to forget all about him....so, it's better to not go to the places that he goes....another friend of mine gave me lots of different places to go and dance....so, I will try those places and I go....then when I get emotionally settle down, I will get back to my dance class....I feel stronget this way....he can go and flirt and pick up as many girls as he wants....I'm out!
thanks again for being supportive and for encouraging me to see the other side of the story....
Marjan