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Aug 07, 2009, 12:31 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2009
Posts: 5
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 Hello all, I'm hoping someone can help me through this one obstacle in my marriage that keeps popping up & causing chaos....
I'm wondering if anyone considers " internet /online chatting & flirting" a form of cheating???  
Here's the story: My husband is an IT tech, which obviously means he's on the computer/internet A LOT. He works from home and has this really nice station set up with his work computer and 2 laptops for personal use so while he works he's also surfing the internet on the personal computers. His life is his computers and they are his treasures 2nd to our kids of course they are first which is awesome.
But problem here is that since he has insomnia and really bad, then when he can't sleep he will go on his computer and stay up until really late in the morning. Back in 2005 - 2006 in our former house we used to have the computers in our master bedroom, that changed now but back in those days is when he did his surfing the most.
I found late in 2006 after a hunch and just a pull or gut instinct or something.. that made me look at his phone records that something weird was going on. after 10 years of marriage all of which I've never been jealous or even looking at any of his stuff at all, I always trusted him, always.. up until that day.. ever since now I DO NOT TRUST HIM AT ALL... NOT AT ALL..
After digging I found there was 1 phone number out of our area that he called a lot and during times when I wasn't around. Even late in the night & for long periods or time. I didn't recognize the number and then I went and was able to look at his e-mails & found a whole folder for one lady in particular full of emails & pictures etc.. and this was the woman that the phone number belonged to.
Long story short.. what happened is that he had been in constant communication, MSN CHAT, email, text, phone calls etc... all with this woman and even during times late, late at night when I was laying in bed asleep in our room and he was there chatting with her in front of me. The chats were steamy, didn't go over board but were very, very provocative & explicit. She even sent him pictures and told him a lot about her personal life & he even had her kids as his friends/buddies on his MSN as well. They were that close.
At one point one of the last email "the one that hurt me the most" basically is him telling her that he was in love with her & to please work things out that it would be ok and he could not be without her... During this 1 year online affair she had also sent him email stating she loved him & to meet up & that she wanted to be with him.
I'm not sure if they ever met in person, she lives about 4 - 5 hours away from us but funny thing is during valentines week 2006 all of the sudden he was very down and just feeling bad & with my pushing and idea because I was worried about him (remember I didn't know at that time about this) I told him to take a small vacation trip.. something he'd never done before since we've been married.. we never go anywhere alone/without each other or the kids.. at all.. even still now... I told suggested he go in one direction but when he finally said ok, he surprised me by telling me he was going in the opposite direction. Now I know it was towards her area. he called me about every hour or 2 hours all the time. He only stayed the 1 night and came back home but called me the entire time there at least about every hour and sometimes even every 1/2 hour until he fell asleep.
Again I don't know if they ever met at all but he was right in her area. Also some of the email considently were of her giving him directions to her house right before he left but then another one after he got back saying it was too bad that maybe next time they could meet or something like that. My whole world came to and end when I found all of this out & needless to say I sent myself all the emails & printed them, got her phone number memorized & kept all her pictures.. I have a full folder of him & her with me that I've stashed away. Also to this day he has her as a buddy on his Facebook & every once in a while that I can tell he calls her or she calls him & they text but it's very innocent. but it's like every 3 or 4 months, some times longer between contacts..
i did confront him with this , I didn't divulge all my secrets and that I had a whole stash of stuff but ultimately he agreed to erase that email folder he had of her along with all the emails & pictures.. & to never contact her again.. at first he told me that he did nothing wrong and that she was just a friend to talk to... a shoulder to lean on. That I was obsessed & jealous and that it was all my fault that he had her to talk to. Because since I had a new job & was so busy that I had gotten cold with him & wouldn't give him the love and attention he wanted. later on about many more discussions months later I showed him that one final email from him to her that really hurt me and he finally opologized for hurting me. He still hasn't admitted he did anything wrong and hates when I bring up her name if something ever happens he gets really irrate about it. he still insists that they were just friends & he did not cheat on me.
I trusted my husband for 10 years of our marriage & totally believed in him.. now I can't seem to see him this way even if I try. It's been 3 years since I discovered all that and I feel like I'm obsessed, I'm constanly checking his phone bill for the text #'s & calls & whenever I can I check his emails.. he did change his pass word to all his email accounts.. mind you he has like 10 different emails but really one uses 1 main account & this is the one he has locked up like fortnox.
I'm obessed though, I just don't trust him on the computer at all and it really drives me nuts not knowing what he's doing, who he's chatting with and not being able to see his emails..
I've taught my self how to be better at the computer , not to his level but I'm really good and he has no idea I'm this good. I've been able to put a keylogger on his computer & even gotten his passwords.. I've tracked down all his past email accounts & have been able to pull all past stored history on his computer.. but this is only temporary since he's an expert I can only do it for a small period of time & then take it out before he sees this or discovers it. he still doesn't like me looking at his computer & keeps it locked up all the time.. But on my free time, specially when I'm at work and have some slow time I do some learning & teach my self more tricks.. as he upgrades his computers & tightens his security on his computer I learn more how to get around that.
SO YOU TELL ME NOW???? was he cheating / remember it's all virtual & never supposedly met , so no physical but I feel that he did cheat on me... !!!!  
And am I obsessed or what can I do to get over this... ???? how can I trust again.. I've never been like this,, I've always prided my self on being such a good woman/wife and not being the jelouse type or anything and now I'm worse then all that. And worse is that since he works from home he has not work friends to talk with so he explains to me that this is one of the few ways for him to have the day pass quickly versus just staring at the 4 walls while he works at home alone. That he's always home alone & never even goes out with friends or anything.. never hangs out with out me..so that why i want to control him so much & be so jelouse.. Funny thing though is that when he talk/chats although he has a lot of male co-worker friends & old school friends.. primarily it's the women at work & others he chats with the most.... hmmm what should I think them...
Please help me... am I going insane.. how I get over this... it's really making matters worse with us since I can't get over it... I can't trust him.. at all ...
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