Those are the exact questions my T would ask if I said that in session...

I don't know what stopped me from asking. I REALLY don't. Maybe I just wanted to be given something for free for all of the hard work I'm doing. Just some kind of encouragement to keep going.

OR, maybe....(I hate to even think this)...as much as I think I want to be connected, there is a part of me pushing the connection away. Ugh. I hate to even think that. But trust is so so so so hard for me, and it's always been a huge struggle for me in therapy. And truly, once we are done with this struggle - the struggle to reconnect - there we are, back in the CSA stuff. I don't want to go there. So maybe, I am keeping us stuck so we won't ever be able to go there.

I mean, I don't think T is that different this week than he's been for the 21 months I've been seeing him...but it seems like everything that comes out of his mouth makes me angry or hurts my feelings or snaps my walls up. I know that has to be coming from me...and even though I am doing my part to reconnect, I don't think I will allow us to really go all the way there.

I think in session yesterday, when everything got drifty and tippy and spinny it was right when we had a moment of realizing that the reconnection was happening. Then I dissed out for a while and then I didn't ask him to sit by me and now here we are. BLAH.

This sucks. I can't win. I don't want to get into the CSA stuff, but it is pushing at me. It seems like the only way to keep it away is by picking a fight with T I love T I hate this.