thanks guys... and itd probably take me just as long to cross the lights too ;/ everything i do nowerdays seems to be in slow motion and just getting ready to go out takes the energy out of me for hours... its all just so... tiring. and i know it sounds stupid to feel ashamed but i just feel... i dont know. like i dont deserve it, that my lifes not as hard as others, that im just weak and pathetic for feeling this.
i now long to sleep before 3 am... and long to wake 7 hours after i can finally keep my tired eyes shut. sounds stupid, i know... but i miss sleep. i miss energy - perhaps thats partially down to depression too, but still...
ive eaten about 1,300 calories today... im trying to ensure that im eating enough to keep going, however sick it makes me feel. i dont tend to get hungry much... but i get hunger pains from time to time, its then that i know that i really should eat a meal.
i guess im just taking it one day at a time... and trying to forget about the stresses that will be apparent tomorrow, the day after, whatever.
i cant help but just want it all to end... its those unbearable lows, especially late at night when theres no distraction and youre just laying awake in bed... and you just think WHY? and you cant wait for the relief of sleep in the hope that by the next morning, you wont be hurting so bad.

one day, i think, it stops hurting. one day it will be easy to live. one day i will want to. its hard to fight when the fight isnt fair; when reality is contorted beyond understanding and you see nothing but the darkness.
im waiting out for a flashlight, i guess.
it just takes time.