Haven't posted much because I don't know what to say anymore. I feel a little blah. My relationship with T goes very deep now and I am very comfortable with him MOST of the time. We are working really hard on the integration piece of my puzzle. I had a dream last night about a little girl swimming and I wanted to help her because she was getting into water over her head. But her dad was standing there and said to leave her, she could do it herself. I think the dad was T and the little girl was me. I do feel securely attached to him and safe in that attachment. The end result is that I don't call much between sessions anymore. However, when I do feel like I need to call I hesitate--still.

A part of me feels like this is the hard and trudging part of therapy...the part where I have to accept that daily life doesn't have to be so painful all the time, and thus can feel boring if you've had a life filled with trauma and drama.

I know I still have lots of work to do with T. The suicidal ideation occasionally returns (as it did last week) with a vengeance and I still dissociate, but not nearly as often as I used to. T said I seemed "reconstituted" this week. I guess that means my crisis of last week is over. We fall apart and come back together again like Humpty Dumpty.

I still panic over T's impending vacation because of the obvious. I can handle a week....I can't handle 3. Last year I asked him for a note and this year I'm asking for his voice on a relaxation recording. I am so so worried about that long separation, like many of you.

Peaceout.