I am looking at my experiences with the mess that PTSD has brought into my life. It is now only 6 months after the initial trauma that has caused my problems to become very strong again. For months after the trauma I was hospitalized medically even to the point I had to plan my Mothers funeral from the hospital. I was going through so much anger & stress....I really don't remember much of what really happened except going back into my notes.

I do remember the fact that no one really knew what I was going through & I felt like I was sent out of the hospital chasing my own tail trying to find the therapy I was sent off to find...every place I turned was a dead end...trying to think it through myself was not a good task when I wasn't thinking very good at all. That made the anger even worse....I struck out at all the professionals in my life at the time...even firing my pdoc....until I realized what I did. During that time period....the trauma & my physical illness fully consumed my life...even excluding my filly who was 5 months old & desparatly needed my attention.

I guess overall, my horse trainer who is my riding trainer was the one who jerked me back to the reality of my life outside PTSD. We initially discussed what had happened & once she understood that & why I was having problems with my weight again....it was known & put into its place...not having to discuss it again. She knows that I can have a good day & then several days of recooperation after....which are getting less & less with time. It is good to have someone who knows what happened & then knows I have to get on with my life to be able to bring riding back into its rightfull place in my life.

Initially I was frustrated because the trauma had become such a part of my life & yes....I still have trigger times along with the depersonalization....but I am never willing to let her know that it is bothering me because I have dedicated to my time with my horses as being untouchable by the PTSD (not always successful but most of the time it works).

I did crawl back to my pdoc with my tail between my legs to ask his forgiveness & to please ignore my outburst in firing him. I also had problems finding anyone who was willing to help me....and even now...not sure that who I chose is doing any good?????

I really don't understand how hard it is to find help for PTSD????? But my anger is coming back the longer I seem that help is illuding me.

Debbie