This sounds so stupid to me....I got some sleep last night interspersed with the nightmares but all in all restful. I learned to keep the TV on in the background to keep the bad noises out of my head & so that when I wake up....my mind can immediately look at the TV instead of getting into that twain state.

I was relaxing before my planned trip to the ranch to train & play with my filly. I started watching what I thought was an innocent TV program....I mean how triggering can 7th Heaven really be. Well it just happened to be the episode where Annie's Mother dies.....geeze, the tears just started pooring out & when I got up to go into the bathroom, I almost passed out. I didn't even cry at my own Mothers funeral 5 months ago. I tried to understand what I was feeling & found I really couldn't put it into words. The thoughts brought back all the things I went through before my Mother died including the trauma & the fact that I was in the hospital when she died & for the 2 weeks before her funeral on IV feeding. The stupid part of it all is that I have been putting the scrapbook together for the life of my filly have been working on those months I didn't have many pictures because of everything I went through....I guess I was in that place anyway so when the TV showed something I related to the trauma....I really lost it...including the nausea hitting since it has been building up again.

I postponed my GP appointment to this next Thurs because I couldn't handle going to my Mothers home a couple of weeks ago when the appointment was actually scheduled. I know...what do the two have in common...I go down to my doctors once a month & stop by the house at that time to clean up some things. It always triggers me when I enter the house...all the sounds, smells, feelings just fill the house. It brought out the angry outbursts & I just couldn't handle going there. My husband ended up driving down a few days later to pick up the mail. Wouldn't you know it...one of the credit cards that was stolen had activity on it....I called the fraud department to find out if SHE WAS BACK? After some time of research while I was waiting on the phone...the let me know that it was just an error on their part. I postponing the Dr appointment just allowed me more time to have problems again. I had gained a couple of lbs....the nausea was less by a little.....I was even starting to feel good again between a few little lapses.

I am not sure how things are going with my psychologist I am seeing. I don't seem to be going anywhere but not sure if it is me or what. I don't understand why the professionals seem to think I know what I need to do...If I was that good...I would be one of them...wouldn't I???? Other issues from my past come up which she lived through...only now I am more able to put words to them & much more thought than 9 yrs ago. But as for the trauma....she kept telling me that ID theft is something that is quite prevalent & just something that happens. I had to point out to her that it wasn't the ID theft but the fact that I caught the RN doing it & didn't know what she would be willing to do to me, after OD'ing my Mother, to keep me from talking. I agree as time passes I was beginning to not worry until the Credit Card thing came up again....then all the problems of trying to clean up mess came pouring back. I also have plans this Thurs to spend some time at the house & sort through some things. I used the argument I got into with my husband to bail out of going 2 weeks ago. I wanted to take boxes & start sorting out give away, throw away, keep.....he wanted to go to the house & count the number of boxes needed because that was how his mother did it when they moved. I allowed him to irritate my so much, I really flew off at him...telling him I have only so many empty boxes that I can use to fill...why not use up what I have..then I can look at what I need after that....I wanted to actually accomplish something to feel better about things rather than counting the number of boxes I need without accomplishing anything except counting. That was just one of the little things that set me off. I am looking at this coming Thurs & hoping I don't get set off again....except that thinking back & trying to figure out what I need to work at with my psychologist has a tendency to set me off too.

My horses & dogs really do help me feel good....I mean even while crying today, I heard something being crunched on under my bed....I hung my head under my bed with the top of my head on the floor....there looking out from under my bed was my youngest eskie Leo...sticking his face in mine...kissing me on the nose with his big toung he had just been chewing on a scotch tape holder.....he has always been the home clown....thinking he is my big protecter. I really had to chuckly at the looks of his big brown eyes & nose poking out from under my head...looking at him upside down even made it funnier.

Tears & laughter....he always seems to know what I need. Needless to say, I didn't get out to see my horses today....better luck tomorrow...knowing that it will put me back into a good place for a while. Seems like the more I wonder if I am really getting help the worse I end up feeling......I am paying 1/2 of the therapy bill I for some reason...feel like I should be getting more for my money...but also know that I need to do something too...just still wondering what it is? Hate spending that much & sill wondering where I am going...I don't feel like I should be the one giving me direction because I am the one that is lost...lets see...that bumper sticker...don't follow me...I'm lost.....I think that says it all.

Debbie