This numbing of feelings is why I went off meds for good.
It's hard, but I want to experience everything, and learn about the deep down low that comes and can be so hard to deal with and so hard to wait for it to get better.

There are times I am tempted to go back on the meds, but I know this feeling will pass, change, as all feelings do. I will wait and practice patience, knowing that my suicidal feelings are a definition of the depth of my pain, a quantitative expression of "I feel this bad." or statement of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. I know now that it means something more, that it is, in a strange way, a statement as much about wanting to live as not wanting to live. It is a reaction to my reality versus my wishes for my reality, to the disparity between what I want and need.. and what I have.