I know, I know, go back to the basics of recovery... But I am starting to accept that this is just who i am and that for 17 years I have been in and out of recovery for both addiction and mental illness and I will never change. I even started smoking pot again. There is nothing a counselor can do anymore, I have heard it all and have done it all. I am seeing a psychiatrist for medication management for bipolar. I am told (especially be me) that I am just giving up, selfish, no faith, yada yada yada... So I come here, not for answers but just to chat with others that relate and understand this constant struggle to heal. I am not in danger my thoughts just don't go there anymore. The one thing I have noticed though is that I can't stand to have sex anymore. My husband supportive and caring that he is understands, it has been over 9 months since we last had sex, and i hated that last time. Feeling guilty and shameful, lotsa shame. We sleep in separate rooms for a number of reasons, mostly that I can't stand to be touched. But I have learned that I don't have to have sex anymore just cuz I feel bad for him. Soooo, just need to talk to others that can relate, and if there is anything that I have learned it is that I need support, and I would like to give support to others the best that I can. Thanks for listening to this monotone self-loathing, shameful and fearful person.