Hi everyone. I'm still fine. Still awake. Just out trying to get a headset for my phone but couldn't find the one I wanted.

So here's what happened at the appt, which took almost 2 hours!

She started off the session to ask me if I'd been drinking before I showed up. I made a face like WTF are you talking about? And she said she smelled alcohol on me. Hahaha...it was my hand sanitizer. I always use it after I touch door handles upon entering or exiting a place. What an awful foot to start off on...and it ended in a similar manner.

So after all the yammering about my history, the bipolar diagnosis, all of what has and hasn't helped me in the past for sleep she says because Trazadone made me faint (SP?), that class of meds was out. Because melatonin and natural supplements have no effect on me they were out. Because I already use benadryl occasionally and it's effectiveness wears off over time antihistamines are not a real solution. So all that's left are the benzos like xanax, ativan, etc. But she refuses to prescribe me one unless I promise to stop drinking altogether while I'm using them.

I might have believed her if my former P-nurse hadn't already prescribed me Lorazepam for anxiety and insomnia last fall. Sure it's for short term use and I came off of it after a couple of months, but she never said anything about curbing my drinking and she knew I had 0-1 per night. I felt pretty judged by the new nurse. She thought I was a raging alcoholic even though I laughed off her suggestion that I'd drank before arriving. Dude, I never drink before 4pm (maybe once or twice in my life, but always on a Sunday and always after noon!) and I'm typically done with my slowly sipped beverage by 8pm.

I intend to come off of alcohol on a regular basis anyway when my mood is more stable, but stuff like this...

Eh, I can handle the lack of sleep. I know my half a beer wouldn't affect anything, but I'm not willing to lie just to get a prescription. Besides, I still have leftover lorazepams. Bad me, but I'll not take even half of one without first discussing it with a professional.

She gives me other bad news that lamictal can cause liver damage so I need liver tests every 4-6 months. Graayyte, just what I need. Why didn't the old P-nurse tell me that? And yet, new one says it's exactly what a nutjob like me should be on...okay, she didn't say nutjob, but I could tell she was thinking that. She says that once it starts working I won't even need a sleep aid since my rhythm will balance out or something. I said, "What if it doesn't?" She said, then you need to go on another anti-epileptic drug and/or possibly Lithium. I said, doesn't that make you just sit in a chair and stare at a wall all day? She said, Why would your doctor want to do that to you? I said, you'd be surprised. They think they've succeeded if you still have a pulse. Enjoyment of life is pretty optional so long as you're not dead. She laughed about that one.

So here I am again with no options until Lamictal starts to work or not. Hoping this energy will keep on lasting, but I have a feeling it's all adrenaline and will run out.

I'll stay in touch. Does anyone else notice that when they've been awake for long periods of time for days that it's hard to regulate your body temp? I have. I always feel freezing cold in bed or too hot outside. Mainly I'm just cold. I have goosebumps right now and it's 80 degrees here. It's strange. Well, I'm having my addiction now, apparently, which is part of a beer with some pretzels. And we're having big salads with all the toppings for dinner. Yay. Perhaps I'll have some wine also since I'm not on benzos, why not enjoy?

I'm definitely getting spacier and seeing things that aren't there and my heart is racing when I think I see something like a little animal in the road, but it turns out to be paper or a leaf in the wind. I just gaze and don't even know what I'm thinking about any more. This is weird. Punchy and mellow at the same time. I don't use illegal drugs, but I imagine this is what it feels like to smoke...uh something that's not tobacco. I was getting my mate to laugh and I was laughing too while we were out today. There was a homeless guy about to cross the road and he was rushing through a yellow light and said, "hey man, don't step out yet," or something like that (windows rolled up) and after we passed I said, "You see that? He had a peg leg. You almost ran over a pirate and the ghost of his parrot would haunt you forever." Then I did a parrot voice all menacing, "rawk, you'll pay for what you did to the captain!" Weird **** like that. Way too punchy. We laughed so hard about that. Even came up with a short story about a homie who runs over just such a guy and the parrot comes to him in his bedroom and says, "you said to climb it, so here I am, rawk!"...and he tells his friends and they say, "hey essay, they got meds for that kinda ****. My cousin could hook you up with some xanax." :P

Peace out, yo