I'm sorry you relate as well Luce, but am thankful to have people to talk to about this. It affects my relationships as well.

I have a lady who was a good friend when we lived near each other. I ended up leaving for a few months to go somewhere. When I came back, she told me how much she missed me. I couldn't comprehend it at all. I didn't even know what to say to her about it. I'm sure I faked some reply, but I remember wondering what she meant and how come. Now we live kind of far from each other and when we do talk, I don't have any connection at all. She's a lady I know, I guess? I think I feel bad that I feel that way. But I don't know what to do to change it. Even when we lived near each other, she did most of the contacting. If it weren't for that, I'd never have talked to her I think. It's sad because she is a really nice lady and I think if I was normal, we could be really good friends still.

And now, I have people who were good acquaintances, but because I am not able to keep up the connection, they have faded away and some have gotten angry at me. It takes so much for me to feel safe with someone and even more to keep in my head that they are safe continually. It makes me feel that having friends long term is an impossibility.