I relate hugely to everything everyone has already said here. Yes, the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" has been like a mantra in my life. Also, the stuff fraom Fairborn ... have read object relations theory and it just makes so much sense to me. i have Prior's book but haven't read it yet.
I figured this out about myself early in therapy. It was hardest on my little ones, so attached to T, but when out of her presence, could not use thoughts of her or the transition object she gave us, none of that was a comfort. It is like the infant who sees the toy and reaches for it, but if you hide it behind your back they haven't yet grasped that is still exists, is just out of sight. Until they are older, the object ceases to exist. It all makes sense because our attachments to our caregivers (for those of us abused by them, or neglected by them) disrupted our ability to learn that developmental task. We still have not mastered it. For most of my adult life, I questioned what kind of a person i was because when things went kind of "off" in a relationship, I'd walk away without a second thought. I am actually a very deeply loving person, or parts of me are, but some parts feel almost nothing. So I totally hear you all and yes it is difficult. What helps me is that knowledge that it is not my fault that I am this way. It happened because i wasn't nurtured and loved in a positive way. Now, when i find myself feeling distant, I try to remind myself that the feelings of connection will return, that they are not absent, just hidden deeper within me than i might wish. I've come to trust that in essence, I do really love my best friend, even when i don't feel it.
I really want to thank you for this thread, because it brought up a really, really important issue that is obviously important to a lot of us. And everyone here spoke eloquently about their experiences of feelings of absence. I feel quite certain that a lot of people will gain valuable insight into their relationships after reading all this and it will ease quite a lot of pain just knowing that it isn't some moral flaw, as i used to think. It is most definitely a consequence of our childhood experiences, a result of "insecure attachment." (Mary Ainsworth, John Bowlby).
My best to all of you valiant persons ...