Kaika, i think you are judging yourself rather harshly... Yeah, stay dissociated sounds good to me, so you are not alone in that. We all have our own reasons for why we feel the way we do, and sometimes we have no idea why. And yes, you may feel one way at one time and quite the opposite another - could that be a result of switching?
If you have an instinctive desire to be here, then in some way I think it must be helping you. So of course you should be here! No doubt life is confusing - i certainly feel that way. I think that if posting here is what you want to do, please do not stop. What would it feel like to stop? That may give you an idea of how important this place is for you. Also, depression may be affecting how you see yourself and then it would impact how you see yourself in relation to others.
Think about it, please.... I don't think anyone would wish you to disappear from here. I wouldn't. And i mean that most sincerely.
if safe