Ive never liked the roller-coaster ride that is depression. The constant ups and downs are enough to make anyone sick. As of late ive noticed a trend that is of concern. The ups and downs of life no longer even one another out.. its no longer a 1:1 ratio. For every up I go down two (1:2).

I had and still am seeking help. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and placed in a highly monitored day program.. The kind where if you didn't show up they'd come looking for you. I was there for a month. Now under the care of Easter Seals.. I have a senior case manager and a psychiatrist. Currently going through the admittance interviews for DBT therapy.

I can't say im doing well with the taking of my medications. They honestly have no effect which I expected. I have drug resistant depression. No AD has ever worked well or for long. Currently im on;

150mg Wellbutrin SR @9am - No AD effect
10mg Buspar @9am & 9pm - Um this stuff does something?
0.5mg Klonopin @ 9am & 1mg @ bedtime - Pointless, No effect.
0.5mg Ativan @ bedtime and as needed - I'm used to 1mg when needed.
300mg Seroquel @ bedtime - Used to knock me out. Not anymore.

To be honest as time goes on I find myself "forgetting" to take my meds more often. I can't keep a regular schedule due to insomnia/hypersomnia. I've tried alarm clocks and people constantly remind me to take my meds but the meds stopped working weeks ago. I don't even feel like calling my case manager to inform her of this.

I've forgotten why I started writing this post. All I can say is everything seems pointless.

Tomorrow is my birthday.. told my mother I didn't feel like visiting which disappointed her. It's just another day to me. Why would I want to celebrate 32 years of failure and disappointment? Seriously how can I be excited about a birthday or even celebrate something like that?! I'm nothing more than an emotional and financial burden. I'm incapable of doing anything.. An utter waste of life and air. Seriously ill pass.

I have to end this post as the longer I go on the worse I feel and I don't feel like dealing with the consequences of that.