Why do I do such stupid things.

I joined Mental Health America's Representative Payee Program (a national program) in October 2008. I has been a Godsend for me. I wish I had known about the program years ago. My current psychologist told me about the program. You can only qualify if a mental health professional complete a form saying you have a mental illness...that wasn't hard to do.

My bills are all paid on time. I live on an almost unlivable weekly allowance. But, no more dun or shut off notices and it has help me stem my compulsive spending.

But yesterday, ASSUMING I would be able to reach my Rep today or yesterday I spent money I didn't have before I had it in the bank. It was a necessary expense, but I should have waited until Wednesday (tomorrow.)

This morning I called the main office in another city and left a message in a "general mailbox" always a bad thing, but I can't reach a human being. If my rep is on vacation this week and didn't tell her clients she was going to be out and whom to reach during that time, I am going to be hugely pissed at her.

Now I am faced with terrible bank problem. Because of my age I qualify at the bank for the 'we don't return it, we pay it' and charge you an exorbitant fee to do so.

Stupid Stupid...no other word can describe what I did. Why do I do such stupid things. And my 17 year old cat needs to go to the vet very badly. He has a fever, sneezes and throws up. I don't have the money to do anything...gas, food...zip.

I have called my oldest daughter, for whom both of us grandmother "work" for FREE five days a week (including after school pick up during the school year) and that includes the gas to do the associated driving to and from, etc. I wanted to know if I could have some money UNTIL I could reach my Rep. It is interesting how they describe a hard financial time versus the rest of us.

I see a hard time as no money at all...no gas, no food. She is working on what they can do to help me since they are "in a bind" themselves. I know they are having a hard time with some financial things they are going through right now. But, I have not figured it out. Even when she says this she always is able to spend $200 a week for groceries for her family of five and go shopping on the weekend and spend another $100 or so. I don't think she can stay home the entire weekend, she needs to spend. It is an emotional things to not be able to stay home on the weekends for 48 hours and I understand this.

So, all I can do right now is sob and sob some more.

Thanks for listening.