(((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))

You raise some good points, since it seems something we all might share, let's spend some time on them if we can, ok?

I resent the time that I lost being angry, defensive, unmotivated, withdrawn, thought of as stuck-up while all the time I was shy and afraid to speak for fear I'd be laughed at or ridiculed;

Angry: I remember now how back then, whenever she and I would argue, I could never remember exactly what was said by either side aftwerwards. Just a huge jumble of anger and pain. It never affected my other relationships though. Later, when I grew older and her "lessons" came to fruition, the anger did spread outward to encompass a wide range of subjects, some of which include the "in-crowd" and every accessory attached to them which would also include almost all of "pop" culture for any given period. I then began to blame and feel anger towards the machine that drove the culture, movies, music, advertising, news media, and even freedom itself came under fire when I began to believe the mass public was incapable of handling such a huge responsibility.

Defensive: Naturally I had to defend my opinions and feelings. I looked for every pessimistic viewpoint to support my anger. Surprisingly, I find I'm not alone with my criticism and I wonder if I've accidentally joined a movement for reform. On a personal level, it was very hard to defend my feelings when they were so bottled up, even I couldn't explain them. It has become considerably easier since I've empowered myself to have the same rights as anyone to feel good about who I am.

Unmotivated / Withdrawn: I was motivated, but some type of block kept me from explaining myself, to others and even to myself. I found withdrawal my only safe zone. I knew some were percieving me as stuck up, but I preferred them to think that than what I really felt about myself.

Shy / Afraid: Terrorized is more accurate.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius