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Aug 12, 2009, 09:07 AM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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If I knew what was wrong then i'd tell people what was wrong, but all I know is that I just feel like a complete failure now. I was doing okay with my ED, now I'm slipping back into restricting heavily and starving and now I feel so, so much like just drawing that blade across my skin once more..
I've not done it for about 6 or 7 weeks and I know for a fact that I've pushed past all those urges.. But since the fire, I've just felt like starving, cutting, OD'ing.. Anything to harm me and now that I've eaten something today, I have plans to OD and i hate it. Why do I have to punish myself for eating, for helping me live? Because I want to die? Porbably.. I'm just so sick of it and I have no-one to talk to who won't lecture me about it or who will understand or who won't hate me for it. I'm sick of it.
I wish I wasn't even alive anymore and now I just want to OD and my life to be over with. God I must sound so selfish, but I can't help it. I just wish I'd never lived this life for it to be so s--t. I've been through hell and almost back, but no-one notices that I'm coming back from hell, that me, the one that always has to be chirpy, happy, strong, helpful all the freakin' time, is struggling to come back from hell, and has actually BEEN through hell. It's like I'm not even allowed to ****ing struggle and as soon as I do, people hate me for it.
Well hate me all you lke. This is me and me is who I want to be, but I just want to be happy and I'm trying my best to make that happen. I wish I could cut so deep that I hit an artery or something and then no-one wold know and I'd just die. Or just OD it'd be much less easy to find out the cause of death or something, idk. I just don't want to live this life anymore. It sucks and I hate it and i hate me.
All I want is a bit of support when I give out so much support to people I don't even know, even IRL.. I'm not begrudging that... I just need a bit of support myself today..
I'm sorry..  
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