Thank you, depressedalaskan and idontknow13.

I had a "friend" over to stay last night. He was going to help me clean my flat after the fire and all that. I was going to cut his hair for him too, but I was pretty damn tired last night so we ended up going to be at around 1.45am after chatting and stuff. He was staying in my front room, I was in my bedroom. I left both doors open so that I could get some light into my room and so that I could feel the presence of the guy staying over, just to comfort me and enable me to sleep.

I woke up this morning wondering why I felt so warm and why his bed was empty. Funnily enough, when I woke up enough, I realised he was lying behind me, on my bed, touching me. I turned my head back and he was fully engrossed in what he was doing, trying to put his hands down my pj bottoms. i freaked out and started to panic a little, so elbowed him in the ribs and said "OI!" When I sat up to rub my eyes and try to get away from him, he grabbed my sides and tried pulling me back towards him, so I told him "You really think I want to even BE in this bed with you?!?! For f--ks sake, R! I didn't even do anything to make you think i wanted you in my bed! I made sure you were in the other room, I told you that you were sleeping there and I wore pjs. Leave me alone. Get your grubby paws off me." On that note, I jumped out of bed leaving him there because he wouldn't move and went to my kitchen to geta glass of milk. Last night I was sick twice because of anxiety and still feel sick this morning, so the milk's helped a little. He came into the kitchen and wanted me to hug him. before I could move away, he'd got his arm around my back and pulled me in, soI pushed him off and glared at him.

How? Just.. How could he do that?! I trusted him, I thought he was going to help me, I thought he wanted to be there for me to help me feel better, not to grope me when I was ASLEEP! He apologised in the end, but how can i possibly say "oh it's okay just don't do it again"? He KNOWS I have a boyfriend, he KNOWS I love Connor very much and would NEVER EVER do anything to hurt him again. He KNOWS I'm not interested and just want to be friends and he KNOWS that I'm fragile, so why do it?! I asked him that very question and he said "I'd been frustrated all night, I couldn't stop thinking about it and at the last minute, I just thought I'd take the opportunity while it was there. It's not my fault your body's so hot. Can't help being attracted to you." Ugh f--k off you disgusting and nasty piece of work! Yes, maybe he was trying to flatter me, win me over by telling me he likes my body, but it sure as hell didn't work. I just laughed and said "bulls--t. There's nothing special about me and I certainly don't want to hear that from YOU! just leave me alone, don't touch me."

He went to hug me again a bit later on and I stared at him and blankly said "No." and he said "Aww come on.." "No, R! I told you no once and you just don't get the message, you didn't get the message to get the f--k out of my bed and I've told you to leave me alone! Do you ever listen?? You did this before and I forgave you, took advatage of me whilst I was on sleeping pills and now you're doing it again when I'm actually asleep! I thought I could trust you. Obviously not." Later on he asked me if he could stay again tonight! He really thinks I'll say yes?? Sigh. What the hell did I do for him to do that? I told him I'm not interested when he tried to flirt, I reminded him I have a boyfriend and also reminded him that he's just a friend and that's how it's staying, nothing more.

Just don't know what to do now. He was saying to me not long ago "Just imagine if I'd ceased the moment earlier, how far it would have gone.." So I replied with "Pff, you wouldn't have any fingers left! You were too close for comfort as it was! If you actually got your hands where you wanted them, you'd be screaming in pain because I'd have kicked you in the balls. I almost slapped you when I woke up to you fumbling about with me, but do you know why I didn't?" Uhhh. "No, why?" Duh! "Because you're supposed to be my friend and because I'm not violent and couldn't face doing it!" Heh. I liked this bit. "I sure as hell deserved it though." Yep he sure as hell did.

I haven't spoken to him much for the rest of the morning. He asked me to not let it ruin our friendship, but he's got some trust building to do if he thinks he's staying at mine again. Pff. Fat chance. Just need to talk to someone about it now, but I don't know who. I'm shaken by it and he was only saying last night "You don't have to go through living here on your own you know, you don't have to go through the fear alone.. You've got friends around you to help you through it." Hm. I thought I did, but pbviously not. He's only after one thing.

I wanted to speak to Sara, one of the Key Support Workers here this morning, at breakfast club, but He was there so I couldn't. Plus I chickened out because I was scared of being judged and I didn't know how to go about saying it.. So I'm all nice and shaken up this morning, not to mention I was sick twice last night and anxius and still am this morning. I'm sick of all this. So, so fed up of it. I'm due to see my dr today about the anxiety. She may even want to do blood tests again, I don't know. All I know is I just don't want to see anyone today tbh..

What the hell do I do now? Everything's going wrong