To any who may read this & hopefully offer advice:

I'm new here. I understand the rules, but maybe not all the boards' terminology, so bear w/me, please

I'm having a problem, which I'm sure everyone does from time to time, but this problem's been with me for awhile, probably about 2 years.

I've always been depressed, and just sort of handled it on my own. I went through counseling as a teenager, learned the language & the coping skills, but now I feel that if I seek counseling, I'll just be complaining & not getting anywhere.

I am bored stiff with my job. I'm a hotel night auditor. It's mind-bogglingly tedious. Now that I've learned how to do my job, I am extremely efficient, to the point where I have about 2 or 3 hrs. a night to kill in a 10-hr. shift. I feel like a drone, and it's working with math, which I have hated all my life. My job is not fun or exciting or challenging, it is merely a job. It does pay the bills, tho, and I am well-payed to do very little. I'm in a union, with great health benefits. I work a 4-day week, so I've got 3 days off every week. It sounds idyllic, but I am mentally dead. Every night I go to work, do the same thing over & over again, talk to the same people night after night, see the same dirt on the carpet, smell the same funky hotel stink... and I hate every minute of it.

I also feel like I'm completely static in my personal & spiritual life. Every goal I once had has fallen by the wayside. Every interest I have has become worthless, every thing I once enjoyed doing is just no longer enjoyable. I can't get motivated to change anything or do anything differently, and it's getting to the point where I actually went to my doctor & requested an antidepressant (he gave me Paxil, which made me horribly sick and I quit taking within the first week).

I don't know what I'm actually feeling, tho. I am very work-oriented. What I do for a living is what I am. I have a hard time taking time off from work, and even when I do have a vacation, I spend the entire time worrying about what my relief person is screwing up. But I hate my job and wish they would just fire me, because I obviously can't make the move to quit it on my own. I don't know which is worse, and which is affecting me more, the burn-out or actual depression. All I know is that I've been feeling worse & worse since November of last year. I keep a journal to keep track of my emotions, and I can even see how I'm spiralling into this sort of emotional black hole.

My husband is highly resistant to the idea of me taking antidepressants or going to see a counselor of some sort, and I'm confused about my options, as well. All I know is that I'm tired of feeling this way all the time. I also don't want to get involved w/a psychiatrist or psychologist just to have someone else to complain to.

Any advice out there? Do I even make sense?