I've been in therapy for about a year and a halfish, and I STILL struggle with opening up to her and sharing things. This has been a much harder process than I had originally thought (and much longer...and more expensive!), and I thought I would be a lot farther than I am now.

She asks all the time "What is so scary about opening up?" And I never can answer her. I always say "I don't know", which has been true. This past week she suggested I go see my pdoc to check my medication dosage, as it may be too low. I'm on the lowest dose of Zoloft, and have been for a little over a year. Just going ON the meds was a tough decision. I didn't/don't really believe I'm depressed, but I gave them a try. The greatest thing they have done for me is virtually erase the IRRATIONAL irritability that I had going on for a long time.

I have been struggling for the past month or so with impending changes in my life in about a year. My job will be ending, and my roommate (whom i've lived with the past 5 years) will be moving to go to grad school. Tuesday, I was feeling VERY sad and hopeless about the future, and was probably most "authentic" with her about how I really feel about my future, and she suggested making an appt with my pdoc.

At first I was scared a little by what she said--like she really thinks I'm that depressed?! I made a resolution to try and fight this weight that wants to make me stay in bed whenever I'm not at work--fight harder than I have been the past few weeks.

(I'm getting to my point....I swear!)

I just couldn't shake this feeling of being unsettled by her request for me to check my med dosage. I think it is because a part of me took it as "Well, I can do nothing with you when you're so depressed, so go up your meds." Like she can't deal with me when I'm being so "Eeyore-ish".

Which in turn made me think about my relationship with her. I think that in some way I am intimidated by her. I am afraid of what she REALLY thinks of me. I feel like I go in and struggle and struggle and struggle in therapy with feeling stuck in life, and in the room, and its been hard. She asks questions and makes observations, and never has ever said anything to make me think she thinks negatively of me--but i'm SO SCARED that she does.

That she thinks I'm pathetic, boring, redundant, and just so sick of my endless whining about problems that aren't THAT big of a deal. So my fear, in turn, must hold me back in some way.

REALLY long story short....has anyone experienced something like this? What do I do? Obviously the answer will be "Talk to her!" That thought makes me freeze up inside. What if she agrees!? What if she agrees that my life isn't so bad, that I do seem to stay stuck in this holding pattern, that she can't really help, that I don't try enough...any amount of negative things. What will I do then?