Hi Velcro,

this sounds very much like my relationship with my therapist. The process of her trying to get me to open up has been very long and slow, and I felt very afraid of her, or rather of what she might be thinking of me. At some point I came to understand that I was projecting into her head all of the things I accuse myself of, like being lazy or unmotivated or whiny or just looking for attention. These messages are all things I heard as a kid, and have nothing to do with her at all!

I now understand that a lot my fear of opening up has everything to do with the kind of emotional abuse I was subjected to by my mother. For whatever reason, more with this therapist than any other I have ever worked with, she triggers all of the fear of my mother that still lives in a very young place inside me. But this is actually good news, because it means she is an ideal person with whom to work through that very old relationship and the damage it left me with.

As for being asked to check your level of medication, I can only say that when my depression was not adequately treated it was hard to get clear enough about my feelings to understand things like this. And next to impossible to summon the emotional energy and courage needed to explore things. It may simply be that your therapist sees how stuck you are and wants to be sure she is doing everything possible to help you get unstuck.

And yes, the way through this stuff is to tell your therapist what your fear is. As in "I am afraid you will judge me and reject me" That is the first step towards exploring those feelings. That is the actual work of therapy, and the key to freeing all of our relationships from these same fears.

Hang in there...and if you can, be glad that your therapist affects you this way...it means there is real potential for change in your relationship with her!