Hi Rainbow,

I have not seen the therapist I had worked with for over a year and a half for about three months now. She was placed on 'administrative leave' with no warning and no notice. I showed up for a session and was told she wasn't there that day and that was that. (I have been reassured by other trusted personal and professional colleagues of hers that this is not about any kind of unethical behaviour on her part, but is a matter of politics or 'philosophical differences' between her and the administration where she works)

So I have been missing her for three months, with no idea if or when my relationship with her will resume. And that feels like the centre of my universe has disappeared suddenly. When I allow myself to think about it, I have all the feelings of grieving a major loss. And many of those are quite physical. For the first few days it was literally hard for me to breathe. My body was caved in around my heart and I couldn't straighten up. Now, it is more of a constant dull heartache. I keep very busy so as not to spend all day feeling that. But still, I find myself scanning cars going by as I walk in case I might see her driving by. (That is embarrassing to admit...but it is true...)

I miss her differently than I would any friend or even family member, because the nature of my relationship with her was different than with them.

As sw628 so succinctly put it: "I find myself aching for t at times because she represents something that i've never had
1. A positive motherly figure
2. Unconditional support or for a better word "love"."

In my last session before she disappeared, I had actually found the courage to talk with my therapist about the fact that I missed her between sessions, especially if the gap was more than the usual one week. That turned out to be one if my best sessions with her ever. She was actually relieved that I had finally been willing to talk about my attachment to her.

Long story short, I think it is quite normal and even a good sign when we miss a therapist. It means we actually have something invested in that person, which in turn means that the relationship has great potential for us to do the work we are in therapy to do....

p.s. I continue to wait for word of my therapist, but in the meantime I have begun to see someone else, as I was getting pretty 'destabilized'.