Geodon sounds good...all except for the suicide potential part. Clarity is good. I feel like my mind is clear, sharper than ever, but my body is like, wait a ****ing minute! I'm tired here.

I exercised for the first time in a long time yesterday too. Maybe I'm not manic, but I'm just energetic and my depression is still there beneath the surface, so ... eh, I'm confused. Maybe it is mixed.

Eating healthy is important yes. When I'm in this thinking a mile a minute, jump out of my skin state, I want to eat candy, cupcakes, cookies, ice cream, cherry coke, coffee, etc. (feeding the beast). And I usually do. But this is on top of my vegetarian diet, so at least I'm getting SOME good things.

I'm afraid to count all the medications I've been on in the last year. But yeah, this disease makes you old and wise pretty fast if you're to survive it. I've never thought of you as "young." No one understood me either. They said dumb things like, "What have you got to be depressed about" or "stop moping." I looked into the future and I didn't like what I saw, but the present was terribly bleak too. I felt like an inmate at school and church and sometimes at home too. You're a wonderful person and I hope no one ever talks **** to you just because they think you're young and therefore don't know what's going on in this world.

I'm sorry you've suffered so much and that's good you had the courage to get rid of all your old meds. I've got a huge stash of mine. Everything from trazadone, fluoxetine, lexapro, lorazepam to birth control and effexor. Not good. I wonder if I might not need them again and will feel dumb for having thrown them away when getting a new Rx is often expensive.

Panic attacks suck. I know when one of mine's coming on because I've been holding my breath thinking of something overwhelming then my thoughts drift to something worse and something worse than that and it's like a cascade or avalanche of ideas that bury me, I gasp for air, my heart is racing, I can hear the blood rushing in my ears, etc. I'm sure you know all too well. I'm glad you're okay though. And some weight loss is nice, but isn't eating so much more fun when food tastes good and you don't feel full after a few bites?

I'm thinking about you and hope you'll continue to update us...good and bad. You're awesome at supporting the rest of us.