I went today and had those blood tests done and then went to see my T. I did not want to go there because I knew that no matter how hard I tried to be all together, it would not work with him - can't pretend around him for long.

We spent the whole time discussing this "rule" thing and him trying to make me understand why he thinks it is in my best interests. I had to explain to him why I think of him as my friend and my T, not just my T.

If he was just my doc, I would not have told him anything, I wouldn't have been so comfortable with him, and never would I go to him with problems and drop in at all different times - I have because I believed we were friends. But now, there is a line, or actually a huge wall between us.

I told him my promise not to end my life no longer exists, because the person I made it to is gone. I tried telling him that he had no clue the damage that he has done and will continue to do to me while this rule is in place.

I sat there and felt horrible. He realized how absolutely furious I am with him - but even more importantly, how devastated I am by what I consider to be his rejection of me. I am allowed to talk to him when I do what he wants, when he wants...........and that makes him like everyone else. There is a line, and if I cross it that's it. He cares up to that line, but not past it.

He wanted me to agree on 3 goals to work with him and I couldn't. I said that I wouldn't be telling him alot anymore - I felt like I couldn't. As I sat there, the worst internal pain was drowning me.

I left with us still at an impasse.........he wouldn't give up his rule and I couldn't talk to him with it in place. I cancelled my next appt. with him, started crying, and went to tell him what I had done and why.......I couldn't do it anymore.

He told me that he does care, and I yelled at him, "no, you don't".....all the time tears were streaming down my face and I felt like I was dying inside. He asked me to reconsider and we'd talk about it some more next week - I refused. I also refused to stay in touch with him, because I don't need someone who cares about me up to a point, but not beyond it. That's not friendship.

My T says that he will think of some kind of compromise that would work for both of us.......I shrugged and told him that he has my email address. Otherwise, it was goodbye.

The pain was incredible and I hated him for the hurt he has caused me. Knowing that I will probably not ever see him again has destroyed me emotionally and mentally. When I said goodbye to him, I did say that I needed him, but I couldn't accept his rule.

I walked out almost hysterical. Had to go sit in the restroom and calm down so I could see. Just thinking about it makes me cry.

My life is now void. I know that I will cut myself more severely and more often now. I will be more selective where because of my job - make sure the marks are more hidden. When the darkness truly surrounds me, I will be far away and I will not even try to stop it from completely taking me.

I can't call my T anymore, no more email (which actually used to be a daily thing).......no one in my real life who accepts all my faults and still cares.

My wonderful husband has decided that the ATM machine (myself) is now back in business because I am working and that is what worries him - cigs. Before all I had was my job basically to make me feel worthwhile - then I met my T and started to think that just maybe I was someone - now all I have is my job again with maybe another surgery coming up, and my T has changed me enough to where that isn't enough anymore.

I am trying very hard to shut down and block these feelings. I have not cut since I have been home because I am here, but I go back tomorrow and I will be alone. The pain and sorrow will come rushing in and I will not fight it or even struggle to deal with it.

It's funny, I bought my husband a cell phone today and he simply took it in stride and then complained how he needed gas and cig money. Amazing......his wife is dying and this is all he thinks about.

It's not just the darkness that is within me, there is also a huge gaping hole in my heart that hurts so badly. But Mary Alice will look fine tomorrow and work because all the big shots are coming down to the store and want to talk/meet with me. I wonder how long I can keep this up.........how long the numbness will last.

I know that all of you care and are here for me. But right now I feel like I am in a bubble separate from everyone else. There is no air inside this space and I am slowly dying. It is an awful feeling to have - with no good way out. And honestly, I am so tired of being hurt - this one really did it.

I'll still be here and still answer posts and appear to be fine. If there comes a time when I am gone, just let it go. It will happen sometime. Please believe how much your support means to me and how it has helped.

Thank you.

Mary Alice