I am so confused right now. I feel terrible and know not how to fix myself. A week ago I emailed my psychiatrist and told him I needed help. I have been having episodes of aphasia at night with lower body weakness and also times when my neck feels too weak to support my head and my head flops like a bobble head doll. So he said I needed to go to the psych ward. When I told the admitting nurse my symptoms she asked me why I was not admitted to a medical hospital since my problems seemed to her (and me) to be neuro related rather than psych. I don't understand either. I do what I am told.

I had numerous tests while there. My doctor said everything was normal. He told me the day before I was discharged that I had sludge in my brain. Seriously. So how in the h*** am I supposed to get this so called sludge out of my brain? Normal? snafu, maybe.

I am feeling quite depressed now. I thought I had dealt with the abuse I suffered that led to me killing my boyfriend as well as I could. I was trying to move on with my life but when I was in the hospital this week they kept asking me in group therapy to talk about the abuse and shooting. I told them group therapy was a stressor for me. I don't understand the need to go over and over what I cannot change.

When the nurse was admitting me she asked if I had ever been sexually abused. Yes. She asked me to describe what happened. Why I don't know. She offered no therapy nor did anyone else and that had nothing to do with my admission so again it was pulling up the bad **** from my past for no apparent therapeutic reason.

When my doctor saw that my drug screen was negative (used to smoke weed) he said it was because of my asthma that I was not smoking it now and gave me no credit for choosing to change.

Recently I had been feeling stronger and motivated to make positive change in my life. I wanted to work part time again in nursing. I wanted to start teaching and then perhaps working in ICU again. I aspired to go back to grad school. I know I am bright enough for grad school but not sure if my energy is sufficient for full time student work. I had gone to the medical library recently and started studying again and started working on my CEUs to renew my RN license. I order a book to study for my GRE and a textbook of anesthesia to see how easily I could grasp the CRNA program. It seemed within my grasp. But in the hospital when I talked about my goals my doctor said I was all talk. Not so very therapeutic. I have been struggling financially and thought working part time would give me a little extra money. The day before my admission I got a letter from the IRS saying I owed taxes. I had taken money from my retirement to pay off my mortgage, put a new roof on my house and buy a used car. I had called social security to ask how that would affect my benefits and asked Fidelity questions but I was misinformed. Now it appears I am going to need to work to pay those taxes.

At this point I want to crawl into a hole and die. The only reason I have to stay alive now is because my disabilty benefits feeds my child and pays the utilities and without me he would have nobody. My son will turn 21 this year and this is his last chance to get his high school degree. He has a learning disability and I don't know what is going to happen to him. I am scared for both of us.

I don't know where this thread belongs. When I posted that I was going to the hospital the mod moved it to psychotherapy. I don't understand why it belongs there. Move it, delete it, whatever.