It's time for the easier said than done: give yourself a break. You haven't been out of the hospital for very long and they're still trying to get you the proper meds combo. Don't get me wrong. If things do get to out of control in your head, you may need to head back. However, the reactions you see on people's faces are not of horror or knowledge of where you've been or what's going on inside. They see your distress and are trying to react gently to you because they don't want to upset you. That's different from judging you. If you don't feel like socializing, just say "thanks for the offer, I'll ask the kids." And if you don't want to go, you don't have to. I know you've been busy trying to make yourself heard and understood on that other board, but it's more important that you take care of yourself right now. Is there anything scaring you about taking a shower? You seem to know you need to take one and also to be very busy online. And you don't want to be alone and your somewhat indecisive...all symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Now hear this: turn off the computer and go get a shower. If you have a good reason not to take one, like you need to watch the kids or you're afraid you might slip, etc., take one as soon as someone else is watching them or find something that you can hold onto in the shower. Even if that means taking a plastic chair in there with you. I always feel better after a shower. I probably survived my own arrest and hospital ordeal because I had just showered and dressed when the cops showed up. I was like, "Okay, they got me, but at least I'm nice and clean and won't be locked up feeling grungy to start with." I behaved so normally and rationally that they let me go home.

It's going to be okay.

Re: your message board battle--
I get stuck into my video games for hours on end, so I just have to not start into one or I'll be up until 3 am. Instead, I try to read a book and it always makes me sleepy. Then I try to kill the rest of the day with various boring activities to make it to bedtime. I'm so ready to give up and go to the hospital if I don't sleep tonight. I've been saying that for days now, I realize, but I have to do something. I'm going to tell my mate to take me if I'm still this messed up tomorrow and not to let me talk him out of it. Don't want to have a breakdown at work just because I'm tired. I'm easily frightened and on the verge of crying when I'm this exhausted. You know how it is.

We can make it to our p-doc appts...one way or another...even if a hospital visit is necessary in between.