There's a knot in my stomach -- has been for quite some time. I think I'm perpetually worried, although I'm not really sure what I'm worried about. I am exhausted all the time. I just want to sleep and sleep and SLEEP but with my work schedule and my family and the hectic chaos that is my life, that's just not happening. I'm trying, I really am. I'm doing the breathing exercises that the T gave me, I'm trying to get some time to myself every day, I'm trying to spend as much time with my favourite friends as I can ... I try and try and try, and at the end of the day, I'm sitting in the dark waiting for the sky to fall on my head because it never feels like enough. I want to cry, scream, rage, SOMETHING.

My last day of work is September 7. I HATE my job more than I have words for, but I need the money pretty badly. I hate my bosses, I hate how disorganized they are, I hate how neurotic they can be, I hate how they think I actually care whether we make sales on the resort or if there's a single crumb in a drawer somewhere ... I hate how I can't understand what they want from me, I hate that my job description keeps changing, I hate that I'm so bored I could scream, I hate that I always feel like I'm not doing enough or not doing anything properly... Every time I go there, I'm counting down the minutes until I can leave.

It's not that long until September 7, and all I'm doing now is all I've done all summer ... spending every waking minute terrified of being asked to give up yet another day off. That's right, they can't even give me an accurate schedule, and I'm left to try to make plans around one that DOESN'T EXIST. I need structure or I crash. I need to know what I'm doing tomorrow, or next week. I make plans, even if it's just to know what days I can sleep in and what days I have to get up early. I need to know what's going on, and when I don't, I feel like I have no control and I lose my ability to process even the most simple things. It's the way my mind works. It's not perfect and it's a royal pain, but it's how things are, and trying to fit myself to a schedule that operates more or less on the whims of my managers is starting to wear on me.

I NEED THIS TO END.