I have a backup appt in Sept if the first p-doc doesn't seem to know what she's doing. She does have good creds from what I've read online, I've just had 3 bad experiences with people (nurses or MDs) giving me psychotrophic drugs and I don't want to feel hopeless if she doesn't listen to me like the other ones.

Jamison's point in the book is that neither insane nor perfectly normal and eccentric can explain the dangerous mood swings of these artists. Bipolar is a cyclical kind of pendulum madness, so sometimes the person will feel normal or great and be high functioning. This is when they're creative (hypomania), witty, and the life of the party, but once it becomes full blown mania they can get so delusional as to be put away in an asylum, believing they're talking to angels and can perform miracles, etc. The depression is equally dangerous due to suicidal thoughts when they feel so horrible, as are mixed episodes, because you're energetic, impulsive, and incredibly hopeless...tell me that's not a deadly cocktail.

I don't like the term "mentally ill" or "sickness." Do they call diabetics ill or sick? No, there's less of a stigma. Why? So many people have it because (if it's not the genetic childhood form) we eat so terribly as a country and many are overweight and prone to the disease. I've always pointed out to the religious that they sure pick their sins according to things they have no desire for. So they're born straight, they think everyone should be as well and they condemn gay, bi, trans people to hell. But I say, your tradition also points out that gluttony is a sin. They think that overeating and becoming morbidly obese doesn't count as much as say cursing, let alone having a sex drive! Oh no, not that. They've probably lost that desire from their sheer massiveness. And don't get me wrong, not all people are overweight from eating too much or eating the wrong things. You can be chubby and a vegetarian. And skinny people bulimic or anorexic or otherwise can be unhealthy just as much as those sucking pork rinds. All I'm saying is (jesus, I have gone on a tangent...what was I saying?)

Uh...we should at least be treated as well as diabetics and heart patients (who often bring it on themselves along with a genetic predisposal), and probably as well as cancer patients (who never smoked). We didn't ask for this disease. Most of us would trade it in in a heartbeat for a sense of well being and few to no mood swings. For me, the depression lasts so long with so few interruptions over all these years, my productivity is extremely low compared with other people who were "slow and steady." I just get these rare bursts sandwiched between terrible depressions.

Think of yourself as a person with treatable cancer. Yes, your mind is unwell, but it's a part of your body too. It has parts and nerve receptors. It can be damaged and healed. We're all sad that the stigma remains. I wish it were called brain chemistry deficiency or receptor inhibition or automatic mood disruption (moodalepsy anyone?). Anything but mental illness! People think that means you're nuts at every moment all the time and might blow up at them. That's so friggin' rare and "normal" people do it far more often than we do. It's just called road rage or stress or anger management issues. I think bipolar people manage their moods much better than non "ill" people. Why? We've been doing it for so long and we have a helluva lot more to deal with and we're extra sensitive about other people's feelings because ours have been wounded so often. We feel more than the average person...from the highest highs to the lowest lows. We are qualified to control the vast majority of them. We have strengths and will power that most mortals know not of.

So don't be ashamed. You are a stronger person than you believe you are. Your moral integrity, intellectual ability, and perseverance have nothing to do with bipolar. You will always be you no matter what your diagnosis is.