Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
I guess one thing that stands out for me in your post was that when you finally let yourself be vulnerable and cry about how you feel about the relationship, T said "here is our rapport". I thought that was very sweet. Like "here's Sunny, where has she been? I like her and I missed her". Very loving and accepting.
|
Thank you for picking that moment out. I liked that too.
Quote:
|
you are still entitled to all of your other feelings - especially the anger that seemed to be bubbling under the surface for you
|
I have a hard time feeling entitled to be angry. If I do seem to be angry, I feel I must apologize for it. Because of this, I often feel that when other people get angry at me, they should later apologize for being that way to me. When they don't, it makes me feel even more like scum.
Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
I REALLY did not like his comment either about 'I'm not firing you as a client"  What kind of comment was that?? .... It does sound like a power play, whether he meant it that way or not |
I know--his comment was shocking to me. Superficially, I think T meant to be reassuring with that comment (sunny, don't feel like I'm pulling the rug out from under you--it's not like I'm firing you as a client or anything). But yes, I think there was a power dynamic going on here. And the "firing you" comment was a statement of power and of reminding me of my place. (Me, therapist; you, Jane). But as I wrote above, there was also this power, in one domain, that I seemed to have too. I was not as gentle as T or as cognizant that I wielded any power (I was oblivious as usual).
Quote:
|
Do you think that at the root of all of this is fear? Fear that your relationship is coming to an end? The session started with his comment "you're doing so well, so..." that he didn't finish. You said that you have been seeing him for 34 months and that he doesn't see people for more than 36 months. I know this topic is SO scary for you, but do you think it's time to bring it up? Pretending it's not "there" doesn't make it go away.
|
No, I am not ready to bring it up.
I am great at pretending things are not there. I am not ready to end our relationship yet. I have some "business" yet to take care of. There is a particular topic I want to delve into with T. I have felt him being evasive on this in the last few months, but I could be imagining this. I also worry this is somehow tied up in his dual/triple roles with me and somewhat with this power thing too. I think I have to tread carefully right now, and see how things unfold in one particular area. Sometimes when we rush things, we wish we hadn't. I think it was good for us to have the session we had.
Quote:
|
And you have such a beautiful relationship with him...I know that IF it is coming to a close, you and T will make sure that it ends in just the right way...
|
Thank you for calling our relationship beautiful.
I don't have faith that we will make sure it ends well. I have a bad history of deserting my therapists--even though I haven't had that many. However, I have made progress on this. When my daughter and I terminated with our family therapist, we told him towards the beginning of the session, so we had about 40 minutes to do a meaningful termination. I thought this showed a lot of growth on my part. (My daughter was there with me, and in part, I wanted to terminate well to give her a good model of how human relations work.)
Quote:
|
I hope you get a response to your e-mail, Sunny. It was brave of you to send it.
|
Yes, I'm quite pleased I sent it.
I believe that T will never respond to it. My next brave act would have to be bringing up the email in our next session and asking for his thoughts on what I wrote. Don't know if I'll do that as it could be water under the bridge by the time we meet next. (There will be 3 weeks between sessions.
)
((((Treehouse))))
