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Originally Posted by chaotic13
Honestly Sunny I see this as a thought pattern still lingering from the past. I think most of the time you and your T are operating on a higher relationship plane. One where collaboration and respect and a mindset that the relationship elevates and is beneficial to both of you. Then a small comment, mis cue or negative energy ripples between you and sets off the old pattern of thought that relationships always have a power component.
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This is the first time I have ever felt this way with my therapist. I have never felt a power dynamic with us. I have read before on PC that some people feel their therapist has "all the power", and I could never relate to that. Now I felt some of that for the very first time.
I'm not going to let myself be too spooked by it, though. I think one aspect of his comment was meant to be reassuring to me (that he wasn't "firing" me), so I'm going to choose to lean on that interpretation.
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Although it is difficult to always stay in the higher plane...YOU KNOW it is there.
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I'm not sure I would call it a higher plane but I would call it secure attachment. If I wasn't securely attached, I would let this really get to me. Instead, I will acknowledge that there was a power dynamic peeking out in session last time, but not get freaked by it. I have always trusted T to have my best interests at heart.
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maybe there isn't a powerplay going on at all
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I don't think there was a powerplay, but I do think there was a bit of a power dynamic. It's OK. I don't think we need to be scared of it. It is one more aspect of a complex relationship, and acknowledging its existence need not be harmful. I see the relationship as very organic and the power adds "ripple" and "movement" to it. (I see it in my head.) It's really OK. Power isn't necessarily a negative. (It's just that before I didn't really see this component of the relationship.) To tell the truth, I am actually feeling quite charmed by my realization of this new dynamic. It's like the relationship keeps growing.... And teaching me more.
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the decision to end the relationship would be a joint decision wouldn't it?
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Yes! That is what I have always thought, and that is what was shocking to me about his statement. Like, ummmm, T, excuse me, but I'm part of this too. But despite that, there is a technical knowledge that yes, he could end this unilaterally if he chose to. There is a necessity to tolerate the ambiguity and I am actually pretty good with that (I am not a black and white thinker--at least most of the time
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I am feeling new equanimity about the whole thing. If I was not able to return to that place of secure attachment, I would not have been able to email him (too risky, etc.).
I am actually feeling really good about all this right now. I wish I could see T sooner to be with him with this slightly different mindset and see how that feels. But I have a 3 week break.
