Don't read. It's boring. Seriously.
Soon after I was born my parents started having issues between them, basically due to his alcoholism and his absence from our lives. They would constantly fight over the slightest trifle. A fight usually consisted of my father saying/shouting all kind of awful things to my mother and her just standing there without saying a word. When I asked her why wouldn't she say anything back to him, she'd say "Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall". She was right, but still, I used to feel really bad when I'd see her completely defenceless.
My father quit drinking (I don't remember when exactly, I was in elementary school, probably 1st-2nd grade, I guess), but he still didn't feel the need to spend some time with his family. It was always the 3 of us: my mother, my younger brother and me. On the rare occasions when we went somewhere together, I remember he used to walk far behind or ahead of us. Anyway, at some point they stopped fighting and communicating as well (they just told each other the stuff it was necessary to know, like "what's for dinner" and "the kids need new clothes").
My mother was very loving and caring back then. I loved her very much. The only problem was that she always expected me to behave as an adult, which of course I usually failed to do, so she was constantly disappointed in me. She also preferred my brother to me, which he knew and took advantage of any time he could. For these 2 reasons I was so hurt I barely realized how lucky I was because she loved me. All I could focus on was not being loved as much as my brother.
My father probably loved me too, in his own weird, selfish way. But he never showed it.
Things started to go really bad when I was 12 and my mental health problems became evident. I was in a constant fight with my mother because she'd always refuse to listen to me when I wanted to tell her how much I was suffering. I quit talking to my father because the only things he seemed capable of saying to me were insensitive or deliberately hurtful. My brother and I always hated each other, so I didn't speak much to him either, because back then we were not able to even look at each other without being offensive. Not only did I not feel loved any more, I started feeling unwanted and hated. This feeling never changed.
I kept loving my mother very much through all these years, no matter what she said or did to me, probably because she was everything I had and because of the beautiful memories of my childhood that I used to cling to. I stopped talking to her a year and a half ago, after I realized I have become a burden to her and she could never see me as anything else. I'm not attached to her any more since then. A few years ago my brother and me began to behave like 2 civilized persons with each other for the first time in our lives. With my father things just kept getting worse and worse. I have no respect and certainly no love for him. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't.
Over the years my parents slowly began to just not care about me. I can wear whatever I want, dye my hair whatever color I choose, go out and come back whenever I please without providing any explanation. They don't know anything about me, nor they're intrested to know me. No questions, no talking about personal stuff, no nothing.
Now we're all diligently "faking it". My parents never fight. My father is still occasionally disrespectful to my mother, but she never reacts and she's always nice to him. My brother and I pretend we never hated each other and behave like 2 acquaintances, not even friends. My father and I carefully ignore each other, literally: we act like the other doesn't exist, leaving the room as soon as the other enters it. I avoid him as much as possible.
So this is my family. No love of any kind from anyone. Deep hatred towards my father, total indifference for my brother, an unidentified shallow form of affection for my mother. And I'm stuck in here 24/7.
No advice needed, hugs welcome
