Idon'tknow,
Well I don't know really what to say here. It sounds like your relationship was really destructive and unhealthy. Even if she was the most kind loving woman when she wanted to be she was abusive to you. There is no reason to have to live in fear of someone elses anger or under someone elses control.

Do you think maybe it wasn't so much her but the idea of her that keeps you hanging on? It may be true that should could be good to you but she also chose to be really mean and hurtful. Unless she sees she has a problem and wants to get help things will not change.

It sounds like you are having your own issues too. It's a good idea to come here and talk to us and try to find some help and support. It also would be a really good idea to see a counselor or someone that could give you some guidance and support. Maybe you could talk to your pastor or someone you trust at church.
Wish you the best. Please take care of yourself.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin