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I know many people have been wondering how I really am doing. That question is really a moment by moment question. I go from being fine to totally freaking out. I have been very stressed and am having a lot of issues dealing with everything. I am afraid to ask for support so this is the best go at it I have. I am going to go on for a bit about everything going on, please read only what you want. I will then take the parts and post them in the correct forum for a little added support.
Starting with ED (Eating Disorder)
It is going, some days I do really well dealing with it then other days I feel I can’t function. I have lost some more weight and am not eating very much, but I am trying hard. I have been very stressed out because of work and the stress had made me not want to eat anything so I haven’t and when I do I feel guilty about eating. I still get urges to purge but I have not acted upon these urges. But I have slid backward but I am still fighting hard to get out of this ED. I have a few friends in real life that have stepped up to help support me in recovery but they are not there a lot of the time but the try to be there as much as they can. I am convinced that I am fat and that I need to lose more weight. I also have BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) which makes me hate parts of my body no matter what I do. It is really acting up and I want to do more and more exercise to make those parts of me get to the size I see they need to be. I know that this is risking a lot, which is why I am saying it to everyone here. I am fighting it and am working with a T on all of this. But any suggestions would be grateful!
Anxiety
Due to stress my Anxiety has been very bad, I am getting bad panic attacks over lots of little things. I am also freaking out and sending self into a panic attack thinking that someone is in my Apt. when I know that I live alone and that there is no one else in the Apt, but it doesn’t help I still freak out a lot about that. Anxiety is also keeping me up at night because I can’t focus on anything else but whatever is making me have the panic attack. Anxiety is also leading to me feeling sick to my stomach. Any suggestions on this would be grateful.
Depression
I am in a low right now and am struggling to go out of my house. I go to work come home and then just hide out in my Apt. I used to love to dance and now I am scared to even go so I don’t. I am not hanging out with friends which I do miss but I just can’t get myself to go out at all. I wish I could, I just don’t know. I feel I am losing who I really am, I don’t know how to enjoy life anymore. Any ideas would be helpful.
Sleeping/Nightmares/Bad Dreams
With this I am not really sure what is going on. Like I have stated above I have been very stressed lately. But I am going from going days with only sleeping like 1-2 hours a night then there are nights that I will sleep and then all I want to do the rest of the day is sleep. The problem is even if I do get lots of sleep it isn’t really sleep, I wake up more tired then when I went to bed. I just am not really getting a good nights sleep. When I do manage to sleep I wake up because I am getting detailed versions of Nightmares from my past. I am also getting some really vivid Bad dreams, these usually include being abused but in ways I don’t remember being abused in my past. I haven’t been reading things like this so I don’t know where these ideas are coming from but they are vivid and they scare me enough I wake up in a full panic attack. I do suffer from insomnia at times. Any suggestions to any of this would be very helpful to me.
Switching
Many know and have met some of my alters, I have been hiding this for a long time, I was Dxed over a year ago and I have not wanted to accept this all. I am starting to realize that they are not going to go away. I am feeling very lonely even when my head is very loud. Things have been really bad for me right now with the sleeping issues and the stress. I am losing a lot of time and am not knowing how to deal with this. I am afraid of showing it in chat, if I start to freak out at all I leave and make my own room so no one has to see of has to deal with me or other parts of me.
I am not trying to complain but just have a lot on my mind, I have been wanting to write this all for a while and this is all just the highlights with things, there is still a lot more to each one of these. Thanks for listening/reading all of this.
I hope I have not caused too many issues, or been too annoying with this all. There is so much more I want to say but don’t want to ramble your ears off.
Thanks again for listening/reading. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas PLEASE let me know.
Doll
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