Mary Alice,
I wish I could do more to help you but really I can't. You have all my care and support but I know it is not enough.

I will be honest with you. I feel at a loss what to do. There is a part of me that wishes I could bound the ocean and save you and show you that you and your life are worth something.

There is a part of me that sees how much you have given up and that nothing I say can change that. You have made your decision.

Since I have known you on the boards I have seen you cry out for help, talk about what is hurting you, heard about your horrible husband, tell about your lack of self worth. You had back surgery, you got jobs, you get through your day. I know it hasn't been easy but you do it.

You are putting so much energy into working, being in physical pain, putting up with your husband and pushing people away. You put so much time into thinking about the end, the darkness, suicide. You are putting so much of yourself into that negativity.

The positive you give is given to others. Why can't you have that? You treat your *** of a husband better than you treat yourself. Why? I can say without a doubt you deserve more than he does.

I think you are mad at your T because he wants you to do something. Maybe thats how I feel. I think a good friend doesn't coddle you when you are hurting yourself. A good friend is there for you while you are working on things. A friend can't fix you or make things better. Only you can Mary Alice. A friend wants to be there to help you thru your worst pain and support and love you not just put a bandade on after. That will get you no where. You wanted a reason to push your T away and you found it. Now, since he isn't your friend your not bound by a promise to him.

You want to give up Mary Alice and pushing your T away makes it easier for you. You need him and he cares about you and you know it.

You Mary Alice are a smart, caring woman. There is so much good in you but you refuse to see it. You refuse to help yourself. Your stuck in a vicious circle and you are content to wallow in it. It makes me sad. It hurts to know there isn't anything I can do but say I care.

Take a step Mary Alice. Just a tiny step. There is a good life waiting out there for you. You just have to want it and then find a friend (which you have) to help you. Not let you hurt yourself, but help you find ways to make it better.

I have every belief in you. You want to live. You want your son. You want to be happy. You have it in you. You can succeed at everything you try because you put everything you have into it. Put something in to you. Put something into your life. You deserve it. You need it. You can do it.

I don't know if I should shut up or post this. I just can't sit here and say nothing. Look up Mary Alice. There are good things if you look for them.

Hugs and love,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin