I gather you're afraid that if you do share more or all of what is going on you will drive us away and suffer another loss, yes?

Here your battle is with your own feelings, not with us. If you can somehow overcome your certainty you will drive us away, you'll be able to dump on us and perhaps gain some confidence not everyone in the world will reject you.

Oh yes, that's much easier said than done. Your perceptions are real to you, they're powerful and greatly influence your behavior. It may be a real struggle to post, but I join all the others here in inviting you to do so.