No, I'm not leaving the possibility of trust open now. Connor read this thread ---which I was gutted about but he needed to know and understood and was sympathetic, but got quite upset, but I couldn't control the tears and 2 people were sat in the room and saw me cry the next day, I had a massive go at him, completely blew up on him and told him he'll NEVER come near me, speak to me or even look at me again and I'll never EVER trust him again. He broke that trust and I will not fix it or let him fix it. It cannot be fixed. He begged me for one more chance, but I said

"No, Richard. You f--ked up last time and I gave you another chance, saying THAT was your last chance and if you f--ked up again that'd be it. So, you f--ked up again and you've screwed your chances, so bye bye Richard. Don't EVER even dare to try to blame me and don't you ever even talk to me. You violated me and broke my trust completely and I hate you for it. You're lucky I haven't punched you yet."

Connor spoke to me on the phone and I told him that I would punch him now because everything, one thing after another has just f--ked up, one thing, another thing, then another thing and it's killing me and I'm sick of it. I said that I could kill Richard I'm that angry, but because I'm not the violent type, he's very lucky.

I've made a formal complaint about him to the police and I'll find out more tomorrow. The guy I spoke to was so, so lovely, I couldn't asked for a better person to interview me. This time, I allowed myself to get angry and look stressed and upset, just show how I truly feel and it really helped. I sighed towards the end and just felt like crying and a tear slid down my cheek at one point, but I carried on with the statement and an hour and a half or so later, I was feeling a bit better. I'm not holding my hopes up too high because I don't want to let myself be hugely disappointed again. I just hope the police come and get him at some point.

I've decided, after hearing that the flat I'll be viewing is gorgeous (from someone who's seen the flats there), that if I like it, I'm taking it straight away, getting away from the ymca and only going there when I absolutely need to. I thought moving into a flat only linked to the ymca would be a new leaf, but I've now discovered it's a matter of removing myself completely from that place and seeing it as a volunteering post every now and the when I go on training courses etc.

I seriously, seriously just cannot be f--ked with this anymore. My life's f--ked up enough as it is, I don't need this OR deserve it! Even Connor's wondering why all these s--tty things keep happening to me when i deserve it the least out of everyone at the ymca.

I just wish I could move away tomorrow! There is a lot of tension and if he tries his breezy "hellooooo!" his face will be sunk into that floor. Sigh. I hate talking like that, but he has well and truly pi--ed me off now and he deserves a good whack and a broken nose.

Ahh. Feel a bit better now