hi Doll
What you said here is thoughtful and very well said. So much to deal with. I dont have any new advice. But I did want to write here and tell you how I know you are strong even if you do not know it. And I know that does not help to stop the pain Doll.

You wrote , "I want to do as much as I can to help myself." I know you do. Best I can say is that you are not alone. Even when you feel like you are. Ask for help. Inside and outside. I know that it will not make things aye okay. But at least it will hopefully make things a bit better in the moment. Please notice all the responses you got here. Thats because so many people really and truely care........ In the very best way. You did a good job writing. and