I don't think you are the things you just said, like lazy, coward, and bitter. I just feel that the depression has gotten a hold on you, big time, and I know that stinks.
Depression can be so debilitating, zapping one of all energies, mental and physical.
Have you had a physical lately? If not and you can get an appt. it may not hurt to have a physical, even some blood tests, one that stands out to me is thyroid function.
Hypothyroidism (sluggish thyroid) can really make a person feel so miserable, with so many symptoms, and depressed.
If you haven't seen a mental health professional, and your physical turns out okay, seeing a therapist may help you get to the core of this.
Please realize, you are not a bad or weak person, it is the damn depression robbing you of all energies.
Take care of yourself,

DE

(((((((((((((((( neri ))))))))))))))))