i have begun to come out of my "shell" and attempt to accept myself and look my best--even began to wear makeup, nail polish and jewelry......
then the messages start---the ones that i was told when growing up....
the "evilness" of looking feminine (you look like a wh--e) and similar
and the memories long stuffed down come out of the can of worms slithering and remind me of the ways mother kept me "in my place" by way of "hand me downs" and "rules of dress"......and no, we didn't belong to any religious group that forbid such things.....it was mother's own competitive, distorted, convoluted and disfunctional reality.

my narcissistic and very beautiful mother made sure i was "ugly"
she "bought" me "friends" who would then tell her if i wore makeup or rolled my skirt or let my hair down from the "bun" it was always in.....then she would come get me and degrade and shame me in front of whoever was there and then when i got home......

yes, i have been away from her for 37 yrs--but my H was similar in the early yrs of our marriage. and so learned my sons who would tell me i looked like a clown and fake when i did wear makeup which was so very seldom (thank goodness they are not that way anymore to either me or their wives).

there are many tangled strings in this self discovery journey. My T is excited for me that we are at a point in therapy where this can be addressed. it's working on how my past is affecting me now and beginning to address some very painful and squashed down feelings and memories and confusions.

sexuality, gender, and the eternally asked question of "who AM i"

Feed back and others who are working on themselves in a positive way are really appreciated.