well Ive researched a lot and I do know that "pacing" helps but not full on exercise as people with cfs will have set backs if they exercise a lot. well anyway, I'm gonna see a CFS Nurse and she said I can't go to the gym or exercise too much or anything, and that it's more about coping with it and lifestyle changes as there is no cure.

I guess I'm unsure about things right now.

She said my heart and brain and ovaries are more than likely shrinking... she said if they took a x rays of my brain and heart and ovaries, they'd be smaller... She said my brain has slowed down... she said I'm undernourished... she said my heart is unhealthy because of what's happening... she said if my ovaries shrink altogether, I can't have children and my body will repress back to pre-adolescent... she said something about osterprosis as well, about the calcium etc not being absorbed properly and that I need to have a pint of full fat milk everyday and well... need to eat more... need to get healty...

She said I'm too weak for medication, too weak to go to college, she's going to call a CFS Nurse to come out and help me out... she said that if my eating is worse, it'll make the CFS worse, so I have to eat more...

She said there is no cure for CFS, just coping with it etc. She said the nurse will liaise with the college and work out a plan... I don't know about babysitting either... didn't ask what she thought... my mother doesn't think it's a good idea(she didn't before either).

She said we can't focus on the OCD until I'm more healthy.

She said I need to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day and I have to have pudding with my dinner(rarely do), I have to have full fat milk(we usually have semi-skimmed) too...

She said my brain signals are not sending the correct signals to my stomach, and that my stomach has probably shrunk too, and this results in constipation, and other issues...

I'm so unsure right now. I don't know anymore what to do. I have been told I could die from this before, but never thought it'd ever happen, and now it could if I don't recover...

Part of me wants to be pre-adolescent, part of me wants to... I don't want an adults body, or an adults life, I want to be little, a little tiny girl, taken care of, loved, cared for, hardly got that as a child, it was all over the place...

One thing she said is regarding my mother that sometimes we just have to get on with it, can't depend on her, she has her vulnerablities, preparing me to be a young adult, need to take responsibility for myself > all of this made me MORE scared and more on the verge of just relapsing but I dunno... I don't want to die... but I'm not entirely sure if I want to be here anymore... not suicidal... just overwhelmed and tired...

I feel really drained and weak and just blah, so for now, that's it...