Thank You All for your kind responses and friendliness. It helps so much. We are beginning to deal with some intense stuff in a system of alts whose job has been to keep me functioning no matter what they have to do to produce activity. I went home and then went blank and then cried a lot over some tv show. My spouse tried to be kind and said he was sorry the show upset me so much. I couldn't tell him it was 5% of the show and 95% issues making me cry. It is hard to cry with so much programming to not share feelings. Feeling vulnerable now and it scares me so much. I feel dangerous(not enough to hurt myself, just tempted). Called T, something I seldom do and she has not gotten back to me and in my physical life I have no more friends to call. It's hard to be a good friend when I am broken up inside and I can not blame anyone else because to have a friend I must be one first and I can't do that right now.

My daughter is in counseling and she sees T same day as I do. Yesterday she told me how alone she felt growing up, Dad expecting perfection and Mom being fragile and dysfunctional. This is why much of me cried last night. My only goal since my children were born was to protect them and not hurt them. I did not succeed as much as I wish I had. Even knowing I tried hard doesn't reduce the pain I feel. My daughter expressed things I felt growing up too, alone and somehow lacking what other people already knew. When Sarah told me how she tried so hard to not "break me" or hurt me growing up it was awful. I created the exact pain in her I wanted to avoid for her sake. She did tell me I had done some things well and she was not trying to rail on me, she just needed to say outloud that she had been hurt by her dad and me. I feel sad for her.

The one's who abused me owe something for depriving my children of the mother I desperately wanted and tried to be. Part of my failure will be laid to their account because they deliberately sabotaged my life. I am so angry they messed up the one thing I had always wanted to do well. They belong in hell.