*trigger warning for mention of sui- thoughts - please take care*
(edit: have re-read & split post into 2 parts. first part = part i would like help dealing with. 2nd part = major rant that turned this thread into something way off topic, but that i'm gonna leave up because i might try to discuss with pdoc tomorrow i.e., you kids dont need to read it).

part 1: on topic part of the post! if you are going to read & respond, please just read this.
does anyone else get this? not really feeling sad... or feeling that things are difficult, but that "depressed" sort of feeling (even if it doesn't last for more than a few hours)... loss of hope, futility in everything etc. i can have a really great day, go into therapy all excited about the possibilities about what we will accomplish, just not get things... working right... and bang - i'm there, i've clammed up, i'm feeling depressed, trying not to cry, wondering whether i should just leave the session before it's over because there is nothing in it for me.

even get the automatic thoughts re: sui- because hopelessness is my main trigger for those kinds of thoughts. the automatic thoughts scare the hell out of me, because they feel so impulsive, and i am so not an impulsive person - it's like - woah, where's my normal control gone??

i think it's because i see therapy so much as my hope, my source of support, my avenue for change... and when things don't add up i'm left feeling very alone with my crap, and that even the professionals can't help me. it's not even over big things like csa or something. just stupid stuff that most ppl deal with at some point in their lives.

would appreciate any advice, but even knowing i'm not alone with this would help.

part 2: deli's tipsy rant that no one need heed >>> i.e., please dont bother to read, i'm embarrassed at how carried away i became.
e.g., i am seeing Austin-T just to help me manage uni stress, and he spent the whole ****ing session (eta: nearly ) dictating a "plan" for me on how my next week would work out e.g., read chapter x at 1pm on friday, attend lecture at 3pm on monday etc. i even tried to stop him at one point and say "i know how to do this. i'm not an idiot, i've done this a thousand times before. i know what i need to do, and i'm capable of planning when to do it. i just need help actually getting from the final plan stage to the actual doing it part". but no, he was insistent that we had to plan out the whole week, because it was making my reality "concrete" and i needed to know what i was dealing with. and he kept getting (admittedly very minor) things wrong e.g., he said i had 12 chapters to read when i only had 8, and was trying to schedule me to read 12 chapters. so i stopped him and said "i'm confused about where the 12 chapters came from, because i thought i only had 8" and he launched into how i become very overwhelmed when things are written down in front of me and that is when i panic and dont cope anymore. ...errr? i mean, i'm not expecting him to be perfect, but i do expect someone to not turn their mistake into an example of my pathological thinking/behaviour.

anyway, so i was feeling foul about wasting time trying to get a schedule together, and then wasting further time when he kept getting things wrong. like i said, no big deal that he got it wrong (i certainly dont expect him to remember minor details), just why spend 20-30mins doing it when i'm capable of doing it at home by myself in the whole of 5 mins?

in the end i just gave up correcting his mistakes, because i knew it would get the task over with quicker. i just wrote down whatever he told me to, even when it had nothing to do with the task at hand (e.g., he wanted me to write down "AB Psych" as short for abnormal psychology - one of the subjects i'm enrolled in, and then he accused me of not doing it properly because i was writing down "A Ψ" instead. he made me go back and write it the way he wanted... even though "Ψ" is typical shorthand for psychology, and my only other subject starts with an "H"). so **** him. you know how ppl can just seethe anger? that was me, radiating it all across the ****ing room.

anyway, we finally made things "concrete" enough for him to decide to address the issue i actually wanted help with. and his great solution? he drew me the ****ing nike sign, and asked me if i recognised it. it looked like a tick to me, so that's what i said. and he was like, "no, it's a logo for an exercise company". oh wow. nike. right. and then he wanted me to tell him what their motto is. a) i dont pay attention to exercise companies. even if you gave me the little byline, i wouldn't be able to tell you if it was for nike or adidas or converse or what. and b) i was over the session, so i wasn't going to cooperate. so he writes it out for me "JUST DO IT". oh wow. like, i needed to go to 16 sessions to be told to "JUST DO" my uni work because that thought had never, ever occured to me before.

ugh. this post started off with me just wanting to know how to deal with depression/hopelessness in session, but instead it's turned into a major rant. i dont think i was this angry during the session - i was trying not to cry, and getting intrusive thoughts about various methods of sui- and giving up on everything. and then his grand plan was for me to "just do" my uni work, and i hate him right now. i did speak up and say that although it looked nice in theory, if it were that easy i really wouldn't be here looking for help. and he told me i had to at least try. like i haven't been trying for the past 7 ****ing years, yeah?

and that was our entire session. him planning out my next week, getting the details wrong anyway so i have to do it myself again, controlling the stupidest **** like where i was allowed to write certain words (he made me write things on the back of the page and told me exactly where to place them) and controlling how i was allowed to abbreviate them, and only addressing what i kept trying to ask for help with in the last 10 minutes, and telling me i just had to do it.

he did say i need to eat, sleep, exercise etc but he also said that's something for me to figure out myself. why for? he's been so controlling about everything else, why doesn't he just schedule those in for me? and especially because i've told him i need help keeping motivated to exercise, that i want him to keep me accountable while i get back in routine until i can just do it myself. but no, the bits i need help with are the bits i just need to do by myself, and the bits i can do are the bits he's going to take over and mess around with. the schedule he dictated was really no different from the one i did last week, but instead of looking at the basic question of "why didnt you read your 2 chapters each day when we had agreed to it", he thought it was more important to just write the same thing out again. why is next week going to be any different? nothing has changed since last. but then he says i'm not trying if i have that attitude.

im so sorry this is so long. i dont even know how much sense it's making. had a drink (with friends) tonight - first time this year i've touched alcohol & it's gone straight to my head (deli the cheap drunk!) - so forgive me if i'm just repeating myself over and over.