thank you sparrowtail---
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don't know if this is a trigger for anyone so I will trigger mark it
TRIGGER
MAY TRIGGER
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i'm struggling today with the "new image" attempts.
on one hand it is freeing to be able to wear makeup and jewelry and nail polish---on the other the voice in my head is louder.
brings up nasty memories
tho i think i have figured some of mother's "stuff" it doesn't take the sting
out of what she did......

"buying" friends that she actually paid to tell her what i was doing and report to her if i was breaking her "rules" of no makeup, hair up all the time, no rolling up the skirt (at least 3-4" below the knee when everyone else wore minis).....and when one of my "friends" called her to report --I actually heard the conversation between them-- after which mother came to the school, got me called down to the office, shamed me in front of everyone in the office including my guidance counselor, dragged me out by my hair (that i had down), and screamed at me all the way home calling me "wh---", "sl-t", and what ever else...shoved my face into a sink of water and continued to degrade and shame me.....THEN brought me back to school and dropped me off at the door with threats of "don't let me catch you again or else..."

i was 16

there are more things she did, but enough said i think.....

so i am struggling with this "finding myself" and looking nice not sloppy or in oversized clothes or looking like i don't care.....seems tho, right now i don't.......