First off, I know that feeling! Self-loathing, crying, staring at nothing, thinking terrible thoughts, wanting to hurt myself or die to escape, but knowing it's temporary, yet being unable to make it stop. And then you get all hyper and energetic (like I am now) and it seems like the depression was worth it or some badge of honor for the incredible happiness and pleasure you then feel.

Second, have you had your appt yet, skipped it, or is it still in the future? Sorry, I'm scatterbrained from being up so long and my thoughts racing. If you want off the roller coaster, you have to talk to a p-doc and bring as much info as you can in case you can't verbally express yourself in a single appointment. I'm bringing charts and journals printed off from this site that I've kept for weeks for my appt next Tues. I like this high, but I will be back to where I started before this 3 week long mixed or high episode if I don't get the right meds soon.

And if at all possible, get a therapist so at least you have someone to talk to about your current state even if the p-doc or your regular MD can't see you for every time your mood changes. And adjusting to meds can cause wild swings.

Not to sound brash or forceful, but everyone needs a safety net, even the "normal" people. They need friends and family and doctors in case something goes wrong. How much more so do we who are hostages to the whims of our brain chemistry (especially when non-medicated or wrongly medicated)? I hope you will find a team that can help you very soon. You don't have to keep on suffering like this. It takes perseverance to get better, but it's worth it. It's easier to see that you have a problem when you're in a depression, but it's easier to act on getting well when you're manic. That's what I'm trying to do with this new p-doc.

Don't give up. I've probably said that before, but it's true. Death will find all of us one day. Why not find the best life we can while we're here? We still have options. You have options to feeling better.